I think I'll jut wait this one out

Unless you wanna explain why the blog is down again, not sure its for real/good this timez

Happy :D, kinda

I luv that emoticon, but I'm not that happy, I'm mildly so. And, I dunno if it's the backlash from the depression, which would kinda make sense, as mild depression for a day may come back as mild. . . mania? I still dunno what to call it, but am open to suggestions. I hope not, because if not, then I'm just normal, and am actually happy of my own accord. That would be nice.

Nothin like Tales of Symphonia to kick the depression out of you

I know it's nerdy, but I love that game. Anyways, I'm not depressio anymore, it was caused by several triggers, and frankly, I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner. Although, I didn't get the bounce back into euphoricocity I usually get, I have trouble coming up with the right word for it, but it's quite literally the complete opposite of depression. But yeah, that didnt happen. So now, I'm back to me, which is extremely difficult to maintain, and will probably crumble tomorrow morning when I go to school, or some shiz like that. I think I'm done with this post, i feel like ts dragging on, and on, and on, and o , and on, and on, and. . . Oh yeah, I was supposed ti visit my grandmother today and have a payson adventure, but, my moms friend got kindof strandedish (and my autocorrect just changed that to stew jewish lol) in slc, so, I told her I'm going Togo by sometime next week. . . yeah, that'll be great. And my sf friends are being. . . retarded, and, they're friendship has been kinda rebuilt on the foundation of a lie, er, a mistruth, which may or may not be my fault. So, they need to talk to someone new/ I need someone's help on dealing with them, and it is impossible to fully exain the situation without meeting them. So, yeah, this is why I Ty to get some of my newish homies to visit my old sf ones. . . lots of problems. . . but, now I feel I can deal with them. Oh yeah, the dragging on thing, well good night.

Beatiful, but not worth it.

She is. Hm, women with low self esteem say that every girl deserve to be loved. Thy also usually envy the beautiful ones, the enemize them and say they're nit worth a damn. So who is? It's the ones who understand that everyone deserves the same level o respect no matter their deficiency. If you think this post is about yourself, you're wrong. This post is about a girl I know who's dumb, pretty, and no longer worth it to me. Again, not anyone who knows this blog exists.

No defense

It just rips out my chest, leaving me hollow.

Well, good night

I've reached that point where the caffeine has worn off and we're getting close to that. . . breaking point. The one where you realize I suck. Yeah, I gotta avoid that. So good night, sorry I suck.

I have my own room again, finally

Maybe I'll sleep well, maybe I'll dream.
I hope I wake up tomorrow to this thunderstorm, continuing. I love them, but they're better during the day, they give more, definition, and contrast. It's beautiful.

I lied. Nails for breakfast, tacks for snacks by Panic! at the Disco

Well, kinda. I thought I hated all my dreams. And then I remembered a dream I had. We went to for duchesne today, it's many hours away and I've been there one before. On our way back, I saw a playground next to a cliff that I remembered from a dream I had. I guess I dreamt it from the last time we went there, which was many years ago. The dream was, intrigueing, even happy. I took a picture of the cliff because I already passed the playground before I got my camera out. I'll post it when I figure out how.

Hm, I had this, sense of perfection, of glory, now it's gone

Or worn off. I don remember what it felt like, I just remember it being perfect, I was, thinking perfectly. It was. . . divine. Not sure if I'll get it back soon, I know when I will get it, I just dot know if I'll have it before then. I hope so, things made sense. Perfect sense. Good night.

It's better today. Something last night made it slightly better, and now it's okay, I feel. . . hope. . . or, more like potential

First day of school; won't let them tear us apart by the sounds

Weird, I expected it to be exactly like all my other first days of school. I was excited for it even, I knew how to handle it, I finally figured it out. . . And then life decides, no, you don't get to be happy, or enjoy school, because then the universe would explode. So it sucked, yeah Pretty much all of it, well not all of it, a joke/messin with someone, that has been in the works since February finally came through today, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. And yeah, I guess I'm not getting help, for a while, my doctor doesn't take our insurance anymore, so now I have to find a different one. Hooray (sarcasm). Yeah, I'm into that again, sarcasm. And, school sucked, social life sucked, came home, and get what sucked. Yeah, I ride my bike to releive stress and depression nowadays, however, since no one is allowed to know about that whole depressed side of me, they don't realized how much I need these bike rides, and then are misunderstanding when I explode at them for oppressing my bike rideyness. Then they suck, and I do too for exploding like that. . . yeah, I need to find those friends again, considering that last batch I had of them graduated last year, or, like, moved. . . or both. And school doesn't start until 9 this week for me, which is good, and if I don't make it j to the political science class, I won't have a 1st period for the entire 1st semester, which I guess is cool, but then I might have to take gov and cit. Which would suck. K, I'm done for tonight. . . Good byetonight. . .

There are People who shatter your conceptions of who they are and confuse you; dance with the devil by the sounds

I know one of these people, and while I have always believed myself to be this, it's weird when you reaffirm it. Maybe I just want to feel special, or maybe I know that I am. It's probably both. But, you assume about people, you see what's inside and you assume they then make certain decisions because of it, and you feel bad because you think you see where they are going wrong, then, you realize they are doing it right, they're doing it the way you said they should. And they still get hurt, they still are struggling and it's not really their fault, because their smart, they do the best they can, and they still lose. I like these people too much. This is a reason I get hurt. But I'm one of these people, I don't even understand myself sometimes. I assume about myself and then I realize I'm wrong, and then it fits. Why I'm this way, partially. Right now, this is about me being constantly bothered by the fact that I seem to only be able to make good friends with girls, but I'm nor a player or anything. I keep wondering why I can't seem to make good guy friends. I think sometimes people draw too much from that. And then it hit me, oh yeah, I have had guy friends. I had lots of them, in elementary school and middle school. And they were all jerks, manipulators, and too self-absorbed. Then I got betrayed by a good group of guy friends. Then, I grew to resent my other friends. I made friends with with 2 girls in 8th grade, and they were good, they didn't want anything out of the friendship, except friendship. I guess since I only ever had bad experiences with guy friends, and good experiences with girlish friends, that's how I went. I think it's because I'm too sensitive, I get hurt too easily, and I hate being on the bottom wrung of a friendship. Well, I had an amazing day today, I got to sleep in, though difficult, I managed it, I went up to Murray to visit an old gold friend, hey, I just realized, he's a guy, but then again we only see each other every few months, maybe we wouldn't be such good friends if we were together all the time, he lives in Arizona but his family gets to fly free on south-west. Then I came home and watched arrested development with my cousin. She went with her friends so I finally got around to fixing the bike and rode it for 4 hours. I used to ride everywhere in Alaska, at least 8 miles a day, back from work. Now, it's too hot in the day, so I go at night, the beat time to go anyways. It was awesome, I get so much pleasure out of it, I feel accomplished from the exercise, I can listen to music and let my mind wander, I get to see the area, and I can actually go to sleep when I get back. . . sometimes. . . well, I have stuff going on in my life again, I think I'll be better when school starts again, I have a doctors appointment Monday, I'll probably be getting new medication, that'll hopefully be good, most likely it'll be a trainwreck like before thoughh.

Social life

It's making a comeback, of sorts, I figured this would happen closer to school but whatever

After

You can only hold something off for so long. I just remembered while coming off the effects of the pill, didn't I post something? That was my last post, then I remembered the general subject, and I thought, 'aw crap,' so I rechecked it. . . still not sure about stuff right now, we don't have any money, and I need help. The half a pill didn't help, so I guess I'm going for a full one tomorrow, hopefully I don't pass out or anything, I have a surprisingly huge tolerance for drugs in general, when my family has to take 1/2 a pill for 2 days, I take one every 4 hours to get less of the effect than they do. :\

Idk

Hmmm, she doesnt seem enough to me. . . maybe, I have trouble remembering after I took that half a pill, weird, I guess it's because I'm not experiencing it right now, the feeling, but I do remember, seeing her, and myself, and suddenly I thought of why I might deserve her, and looking at what I was, that was good, I saw myself as an equal, not just to her but to everybody else as well. I felt, like I was finally worth something, maybe not to everyone, but at least to myself. And now I dont feel like she means as much to me, like maybe I grew, and she's reached a dead end, one I want to help her get out of if she'll accept. She probably won't, but that's on her now, it's not my fault if I can't help or save everyone, they need to grow too. It just sucks when they don't, but I am, and will. I don't know why I got here, but I know why I keep going.

Music!

So I did a badish thing, I love mountain dew code red. So, when I tried the medication, I drank a can without thinking. Anyways, the pills normalize me, so then, I'm suddenly affected by the mountain dew like a normal person like I never have been. Hyper much? I think yes, I'm actually writing this after the worst of it because I don't think I'd had the patience to type earlier. And my uncle from Hawaii is letting me learn to play his ukelele, I've already started, eventually I wanna learn to play 'seaside' by the kooks, my favorite acoustic song, so, I'll put up a video when I master my first song, warning, I has terrible voice. . . and no skill THE END

Try the pills?

Im not sure if I really want to, but I should. To know, for sure, if they help. Or hurt

Questions

So, whenever I'm reading the odd blog or two, I always want to ask the most random but personal questions, but Im worried about what they'll think about me for asking. So, now, I guess I'll answer any question on here, without any judgment. I can't promise the answer you want, but I can promise a decent answer and and honest one.

Want

I don't want it right now. . . this want. . . it's . . . absorbing. . . and, unfulfilling. . . my other options are blocked, pushed aside by the want, I forget it, until im staring it in the face again. Then its all-consuming. Just, there. I need this out of my head. But I don't want it out.

Falling in a different direction

I care a lot, so I guess I expect others to care as much, and maybe they do, just not in the direction I want them too. But if I can't have it, they might as well, so I'll just go with it, not that I had any level of involvement to begin with. And here I am now, so much potential, so much opposition, and too much to care about. If I don't care then i won't be let down, but I'll never reach what I want either, so, I try. Again and. . . again. Maybe I'll get better, and they'll recognize it, and join. Most likely not, but maybe

Endings

I always love them. The beauty of finality sealed with the hope, sorrow and knowledge of what the future brings. I wonder what my ending will be like. Will it be happy, passionate, beautiful, overpowering. I think it will be all of them. And hopefully, by then, I'll have found that sound, the one I want to die to, amidst the crashings, or whirrings, or roars or whatever may happen. I know I will be happy, and proud for making it so long. Even when most of my loved ones will be gone. Chaos. Beauty can be found there as much as peace, the difference, beauty in chaos is making organization and finding the peace in it, beauty in peace is making change, move towards chaos, so peace may resume, it's always in fluctuations. We just need to learn where to see the beauty and find the passion where we can. And learn where true happiness is, and how we may obtain it. It exists, it's out there. It's staring me in the face, daring me to come closer, I've just got to become strong enough to reach it, and pull everybody else up with me. The End of Now

Thunderstorm

My first again in months. Me and my cousin were Playing cards when we heard the gate spam shut outside, we went Out to check and it was really windy, we cOuld see the thunderstorms cOming, it was huge, lightning almost every second, like a strobe light. We could see the flashes getting closer fast, so we Put everything in the side yard and covered the bikes with a tarp. I was waiting outside until it hit, the rain wwas like bullets from the sky, and the lightning was so bright. The thunder is almost too loud for me to sleep. I love it, I wish I could go out, on a bike ride now, but alas, mom still thinks it's 'dangerous'. Lame, I'd be fine, I know it, but, she'd make too big a fuss if I did go out, so I'm here writing this post, composing scores of beauty in the thunders roar, and the lightings crashes through reality. Magnificent.

Funny sayings that happened today

I don't know what you want to do in your pants 'cause it was gay!
Mother Teresa had an abortion, not a lot of people know about it, but I do
Don't get married in college, or do, its a great stress releiver

Probably not the most appropriate Sunday talk but they all have stories behind them. . .

Lazy

So much of it. . . I procrastinated doing anything until 5. . . even things i wanted to do, like socialize in some form, go for a bike ride, or do something relatively fun.  But no, I am always able to find things to procrastinate at.  Then i saw Transformers, it's the best one yet, and drove to Salt Lake to get my mom from work. . . I don't really care about remembering this, i just decided i should post something because i feel like i haven't in a while, it's probably just because I'm not working all the time, so it seems like i have more of it. . . ummmm. . . good bye. . .

Personally

I blame the rap music

Today

I went from freezing Alaska to sweltering Phoenix and had to sit next to the window wu bile waiting for my next flight. I got to Utah, while getting my bags, I tripped all over someone else's luggage. Nice. Then I went home, my cousin is staying with us, and my uncles family, and my grandma, so yeah, it feels kinda ghetto in here. Jk, we're mostly fine. Then I was getting ready for what I thought was supposed to be a birthday party for my aunt, was also doubling as a surprise party for me. Ugh, I was joking when I said I wanted one. And I guess she invited a lot of random people. Weird. So. . . Idk anymore, I feel like I've done a terrible thing. And I might have, or I might have done a fantastic thing. I just don't know. This is. . . complicated to the maxtreme. I just feel responsible to tell her I made a mistake in my assumption, and maybe she already knows the truth. If so, then I'm sorry, but things will work out. If not, I have explaining to do as to why I'm an idiot and I don't want her to feel deceived or messed with. I might need help for this.

Leaving.

Alaska, for at least a year, possibly for longer. But not forever, its one of my very few dreams to travel the world and this will definitely make the go to list. But, I said goodbye to my family here, and when I'm gone I seem to downplay how much I really love them, despite the pain they've all caused, so here's something about each of my family here.

Jaimee: 6'1 born: 4/1/1993
She's hilarious, moody, and a great sister. Just the way she'll always listen, and reply with the best stories and jokes. I'm so glad I am able to have such a great example of hard work and discipline in my life. I hope you do great in college. Even if you don't know about this blog or whatever.

Hailee: Blonde, only blonde in the family, born: 7/16/1997
She's kinda annoying, but she tries. She can get into the nerdy things I do. She loves making people laugh, even when her jokes are sometimes too corny to laugh at.

Sadie: Looks most like stepmom, born: 11/29/1998
She was really the first baby I can remember, my earliest nemory of hailee was when she was one, but I can remember sadies life all the way through, even when she came home in a stocking and I asked if it was full of candy. She's so caring and sensitive. She went into her room to cry when I was leaving, I didn't know until I had already let the house. I felt so touched, I thought she cared the least about me and my comings and goings, but apparently I will be missed.

Addison: really small for her age, born: 6/6/2001
Her b-day's 2 days before mine, and she came home on my birthday, I remember her being the best present I could have gotten. She always listens and loves, she'll laugh at anything, and always wants to make sure others are happy. She gave me her letter 'A' from her wall, she had wood carved letters that said 'addie', so now, I guess it just says 'ddie'. I'll still put it on my wall. :)

Roseanne: stepmom, born: 8/4/1975
She is very melancholiac. Organization to the end. But she cares and wants to provide the best opportunities for her children. She has hurt me a lot but she was pretty much my childhood therapist, no matter how much I lied to her.

Clayton: dad, born: 7/8/1973
The best possible example of hard work and sacrifice. It amazes how much he has had failure in his life, and how much he just rolls with the punches. He never stops, when his businesses fail, when he can't get a good enough job, he never stops working, he just keeps on going. I'm so glad I could have him for a father, even if I didn't deserve him.

That's my family, so much love/hate there, but right now, just love :) <3

My belt

It broke. The belt I got for work, broke tonight, after my last day at my summer job. No fat jokes ;), it actually ripped in half when a piece of leather that was peeling got caught in my pants belt strap thingys. The trooper, he held out until the very end. The bravest hero of all, he will be missed T^T

Better

That's my goal and that's what I am. My goal will always be better. Because that's what it's supposed to be. We got blessings today for Family Home Evening. We used to get them every year for going back to school, by this was the first time we were all together as a family in a long time. It will also probably be the last. My sisters' blessings were good, I k ow they'll do great this year without me and my older sister Jaimee. Mine said a lot of things I needed to hear. A lot. I wrote them down, but I'm making a special post for them. Some may ask why I would post these sacred things on a blog, but it's because this is for me, past and future. My goal is better, and when you're doing good, you tend to forget how it was bad and start taking it for granted, thus is when the Lord humbles you, it keeps the goal of getting better in your head. So, I put this up to stay humble, possibly, I'm still really bad at it. To remember my life, good times and bad, and to learn how I overcame muly afflictions, and temptations, to become the great man I know I will. I'm not afraid for this year, I k ow it will be great, that it can be great if I make it great. So I'm ready. For all of it, good and bad, because the bad is only to make good better. :)

Come up with your own title for this post

Well, I helped a friend today, kinda. She said she felt like she was being pulled into too many directions.  I told her it wasn't her fault, I didn't blame her, and a lot of other things.  She was so excited, said that's all she wanted to hear, but no one would say it.  She asked how I knew that.  Hmmmm, how do I know that?  Well according to the ones constantly pulling me in opposite directions, I don't.  According to them, I have no idea what it's like, trying to make any decision in my life at all with both parties saying, "we're right, they're wrong, here is everything wrong with the other party and what we see wrong about them in you".  According to them, I'm a failure because I listened to the other party, because I didn't live my life exactly the way they said I should, completely opposite of the other.  So which party should I choose, there's: 

1. Single mother, extremely poor, going through boyfriend after boyfriend, never home at night because she's at a club, but she loves you and you love her.  You trust her, you don't doubt her and believe every lie she whispers in your ear.

2. Overworking father and overbearing stepmother, 4 sisters, all rude and selfish, obviously loves sisters more because they don't have your mothers filth.  Lower middle class, barely doing 'good' financially.

So which side do you choose to listen to when It comes to life decisions, then, how about we up the ante, father then openly admits to not loving you as much because you fail too much.  And says stepmother never was able to love you because you could never put her first as a parent in your life.  And then you remember all that mother has done, abandoned you for 2 years when she made you rely on her for everything, gets alcoholic gun-nut boyfriend, constantly violently fights with him, and blames you for everything wrong in your life.  Which seems better now?  If you want to tell them they can all go fuck themselves, you've picked the right answer.  I didnt, I wanted to be cared about, and they only cared about me when I made their version of the 'right' decision.  So for 16 years I did a balancing act for them to all laugh at and throw rotten tomatoes at. Now, why would anything at all be wrong with me?  Why should I at all feel angry, ignored, sad, or afraid?  These are the questions of the monsters in my life.  They are sad, sick beings who have to throw their failures onto me, they have other children, but I'm already ruined so why not take out their pain onto me, it'll shelter and protect their 'pure' children.  And that's my life.  That's why I told her i don't blame her for choosing a side and not staying in the middle.  Because I knew she wanted to hear it.

There was a moment

Just a moment, listening to that song, looking at, not reading, a blog, when I felt it, lost happiness, the kind I had before the loss, the fear, the craziness and the horror of life. It's sad that I can pick out days from my childhood and tell you where I was, happy or not. From the masks I wore then. Or the ones I didn't. I want to go back, the person I am now, I am stronger now, I could stop it all from hPpening, the leaving, the fighting, the yelling and screaming. The stabbing, in my heart, the infection still residing in my blood. The loss. . .it's like, rain, from my soul. From my eyes. It's fallen there, on the ground, to be picked up by no one. Forgotten, until the clouds gather again, and rain falls. Until I'm that sweet child again, the one who was loved so much, and hurt, hurt.

Do what you have to do by Sara Mclachlan

I need to stop listening to music that makes me cry
。・゜・(ノД`)・゜・。

I don't like pictures of myself

They never show who I really am, or what I want others to see of me. That's whyi have so little pictures of myself. I love pictures of other people, anybody, it's like a piece or them is attached to it, I don't care how it looks, even when they think it's a bad picture of themselves, I can see them as themselves in it. Maybe I'll find a good picture of me and pu it up. . . one day

Full circle

I remembered things, times when I was afraid, horribly afraid, and I felt vulnerable again, like I was that child, small, with no control over the scary monsters. Then I got angry, really angry, I hated them so much, how dare they. Then, I guess I kind of accepted it. My mom called, we talked, I didn't tell her the things I remembered because I knew she already knew them, she apologized though. It was just out of the blue, she said she was sorry I grew up in the way I did, and she said she was grateful she could have me in her life. And I. . . Broke, somehow, she knew exactly what was wrong, and she fixed it. Again, and now I'm so co fused because this is what happens everytime, she says she loves me, I grow to rely on her, trust her, then she leaves or hurts me. I can't take it. But I can't leave, there's too much there fOr me. But this is the last time. If I get hurt, I'm gone, forever. Maybe I won't have to leave, but experience has me thinking otherwise.

Remembering. . . I don't blame you though

So, you know when someone says something big, and youre like, "wow that really sucks, I wonder how they must have felt" and then you realize you know exactly how it felt, evey line of evey moment written down in a place in your mind you closed long ago. You instantly remember dozens of memories you had repressed and now you're finally old enough to understand all of it and the pain, the blame, the idiocy, and the craze of those moments. You remember calling 911, running in fear, then years later, having to carry a crying infant and going through all of it again. Yes, I'd forgotten what this fear was like. I don't have fear anymore, but I did, I had it so much, it was my entire life, all I knew was fear, slowly, my trust and sense of security would be rebuilt only to be shattered as soon as it could susain itself. Fear was the skin I shed to become the man I am now. And I had forgotten, I hid the skin in a vault I just accidentally unlocked. And I don't blame you, even if you were a trigger.

Huh

Kind of back to normalish :|

Love

I am so grateful I have 4 years to prepare and make myself better

Sucks

I have to wait 4 years until I can be fully happy. . . That's all I want now

Oh my gosh I am so ugh all of the time!

Basically, I was depressed today, then I was slightly less depressed, then, things happened and I became uncontrollably angry, yet despite being uncontrollably angry, I controlled it. Then I was kinda happy, and now I'm annoyed at me for being a little girl about life. :( ugh

You're gone

Im surprised how much I actually cared about it. I wasn't so presumptuous to assume I was ever more than a blip in your life. But, you were interesting. And I can't help but feel I had a part to play in your leaving, even if it was a small one. If so, I'm sorry. I'm fine, I'm used to it, that's just a part of me that doesn't want anybody to know me. Ill still be here, though. Remember, this is for me. And someone else, if I can find them.

Growing

Wow. Somehow. . . Today was worse. . . With no relief, I didn't get that up time I usually do after a depressive attack. I didn't want anything, nothing, but this vacuum in my chest to leave. It slowly faded away, I interacted with people and ibfelt like a lie. I was this torrent of darkness, hidden by a new mask, one resembling my happy self. . . Later, I looked in the mirror and I saw someone else, someone happy with hope, I felt like a stranger. I made every face to myself that I made that day to others, said what I said, and acted as I had acted. And I seemed so happy, my masks are so good they fool me. I wanted to be this person that people saw and possibly admired. But I wasn't. Even if I was good enough, I was dark inside. . . pain, emptiness, I tried filling the void with Lmost anything I could think of. And then I knew what could, but I had to tell myself it wasn't worth it, losin all this goodness I had worked so hard for. The person I am now isn't a bad Person, and I'm proud of that if nothin else. I wasn't about to give that up because I was down. I should probably appreciate that more, but I still hurt, I have to wear this mask and I hide my true self from those around me. Not even some of my friends have been shown this. I'm better as well, not by much, but noticeably. I wonder who you think I am though, what kind of person, what person? I think I'm here to be heard, but there's no point if I can't listen, Which is why I ask, who am I, to you, whoever you are.

Everyday

I'm shufflin' ｖ（＾＿＾ｖ）♪

Oh, thats what's missing

Music. I was feeling, like I lost something. . . Then I realized I just wanted to listen to music, I'd actually forgotten about it. . . I guess sometimes

Clear

I relized while reading my post that I down played the seriousness of that depression attack, honestly, probably the 2nd worst I've ever felt in my life. Because there was nothing. Not nothing, there was something, eating anything and everything inside. I didn't want it. I thougt back to how a friend negatively dealt with their pain, and considered it. It wasn't too bad, more of an experiment really, but it was bad enough. So, when I suddenly got flipped around, I was releived, excited, I wanted again. And most of all, I wanted to never feel that again. Which is why I went in for help. I'm not sure what will happen. I just need something to happen at this point. Also, apparently I'm starting to leave somewhat of an impression in this little blogging universe, or at least the places I stumble into

Help?

I hada a depression attack today. It was bad, really bad. Holewdly vaccumizing. It was when I was biking home from work. I didn't want to go home so I took a few random turns until I was purposely lost, I like doing that. Anyways, while I was riding, it was like I realized that what I thougt was an emptiness, a vacuum, was being drained away, and replaced with brigt sunshine in my soul. I was so unbelievably happy. And I knew I needed help because my bipolar moments are getting way worse and way out of hand. I somehow wound up at the Native Hospital. So I went into he reception office, I'm 1/2 Navajo, and asked how I can register for a clinical doctor visit. Basically I need my Certificate of Indian Blood, and my Birth Certificate. So it looks like I might be getting some form of help. My biggest fear is that there's nothing wrong with me. Because then I'm just so weak I can't handle normality. That's why I've avoided this. But now it's happening. . . :\

I looked outside this morning and saw that it was raining for the third day in a row.

:)

Sanity?

Madness, sanity, concePts I've been questioning as of late. They seem to keep coming back at me. I woke up this morning from a dream. I remember that there was something in the dream that was so heartmendingly good, I had to share it with someone, anyone. I don't remember what it was. The problem with my dreams is that good ideas and new concepts sound cool when you just wake up, but when you review them later in the day, they rarely make any sense. I'm glad, because I have been posting straight from the heart lately. No holding back, or shadowing a differential side of me. Today was so miserable, and so freeing. I found a place where I wanted to be, forever. That's infeasible, but I wouldn't mind dying there. Oh! I remember now, death. Hm, death is a strange thing, I was always so afraid of it because I would think of all the things I would lose. The Irony is that when I finally came to accepting it, no, apparently I'm not allowed. Well, if I'm not going to die soon, I may as well never. That's impossible, but I'm pushing back the date as late as possible. If I have the strength to make it then. It's going to be bad before the end of the world. And I'm going to die crying. Tears that know no fear, or hate, they will bright stars for the future, and all the glory of everything that is to come.

Heart

How do you know if you love someone? I wanted to leave this post with just that one line but I would like to add some exposition. I like this person a lot. And this is different than ever before. I actually want to call it love. But I know it's not. Or at least that's what I have to keep telling myself. D says love is unconditional, it finds you. I know I have the capacity to love anybody, but my feelings for this person are so strong and surprisingly pure. I don't want to hurt them, even if it means hiding my feelings with a long forgotten mask. . . One still capable of love.