No Title

Hi, there are currently 3 people who I hope read this. I'm actually feeling pretty insightful right now, so please read this in the robotic and partially caring tone I feel I wrote this in, and forgive my typos.

First I would like to say that I'm sorry for those who I've reached that breaking point with. If any of you have spoken to me, I've mentioned it, and said what it was, whether or not you remember it, it's okay, just know I'm sorry. I drive people away, I'm not sure why. I know I hav lots of trust issues, and emotional problems, and anxiety stuff, and mood junk, but I don't think that should change how I act towards you. This is weird, because despite being my blog, I'm going to say this is the firs time I'm being fully honest on it. I'm a compulsive liar, I do it everyday, I guess I think that Since I don't trust people, they don't trust me, so what's th point. Well, I do trust my older sister, but we grew up together, and I think it's just because she wouldn't have a reason to lie to me, she's pretty straightforward, she's a really good person and a hard enough worker to not need anything given to her. I'm kind of the opposite, I really started out with a lot of natural talent, I was smart, and pretty charismatic as a child, then, of course, life happens and I became very vulnerable at a young age, people exploited that, I was manipulated and hurt to the point where i didn't know or care what was real. Nothing mattered because it didn't make sense. The world did whatever it could to take things and people away from me, and, since the world could get away with it using deception and manipulation, I could too, so I did. Well, now I'm older and I've surpassed the people who did this to me on so many levels, I actually hate them. Because I can see how easily I can take it all away from them, I literally have the potential to break them all. And I see that I, a 17-year old still has the decency to not harm 3 "adults" to the level that they hurt a child. Honestly I hate them all so much, and they still do it! They still get away with it, and is still jus have to sit here and take it. Wow, that was a long digression, but its not like this post is planned out, so. . .

Second point: I really do care about you guys, and I have a mixture between feeling sorry for you, because I know none of you appreciate he good you have in your life, even when you see it. My cousin is a great friend, she is currently living with me and Im really glad she could for these past months. She also has the worst taste in guys, and she wonders why it never turns out good. And it always starts with the guys she goes for, she goes for the guys that are bad for her and are generally pretty terrible people, fact is, lots of guys are bad, they'll hurt you, disrespect you, and take advantage of you because they don't care about you. Flip side: lots of guys will care for you, respect you, and do whatever they can for you because they actually have the right values and standards. And yet every girl I know doesn't beleive this second group exists before 21.

SO WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT WHEN YOU DATE THESE RETARTED DOUCHEBAGS?!
And if you're wondering if a guy is a douchebag, flip a coin!
Heads: Douchebag
Tails: Double Douchebag

And if it lands on its side: marry him!
There are good guys, yes, but you will never notice them because they don't give a damn about any girl who can't look down a freakin' pew to see them!
If you want to meet a guy that has the same standards and/or interests as you, then just live your life the way you think you should, because there is no place guys go just to meet girls, not even parties or bars, sure theyd be less fun without females, but since most guys strike out 70% of the time, they're not going to go somewhere without a backup time-wasting activity, ie: (worst scenarios) drinking, dancing, generic club stuff. So, guys go where guys want to go! Go where you want to go and you will meet a guy who goes where you want to go!

3: um, I'm kind of ranted out right now, so I'll just see what comes up. . . Oh yeah, I love you guys, that may seem weirdish or something, but it's how I feel, and I hate it. Ya know that migr actually be worse, but that is also what I feel. I an suffocated by the fact that I care about any of you, you hurt me, then you leave, because I'm not worth it or something, and the truth is that I dont like it. I could say I hate you, but that would only be partially true. And it's okay even I it is, because frankly, I kind of hate most everyone, some people would say its because I she myself, but I've already openly acknowledged that, I think hiding it would only be me priding myself above you. I guess I just hate everybody really, well, not everybody, there still are some people i can't hate, but that's not you guys.

Forth: I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever kill myself. I do not know how many times I have to say that. Some people disbelieve this, fact is: it has nothing to do with my strength of character. I'm just so restricted and subdued, if I ever gave up on life, I would live like crazy. My life is still the number on thing to me, maybe sad but true, I care more about it than anybody or anything else, and it will be the last to go. Now, I try to change this, I try to change a lot about myself, but change for me is freakin hard, because I'm so ruled by my emotions and moods. People say its harder to change as you get older, but I find t easier. As I get older, I seperate myself more and more from what I feel, and I can confirm used to what I really want. So yeah, I just hav to let more time pass and just live.

Point, the fifth: I realize more and more through reading many a blog, that most rants contribute of anger at a specific group of people for some reason, while the author feels vindicated by said group. Well, I'm not going into why I think that's ridiculous, well, I'll just name the following: Hitler, Pharoah, and Voldemort. Now, to point, most of the time, and I have done this a lot as well, the phrase : I give up, is tossed around. And it's usually an, I give up caring, or doing or whatnot. I realized while watching Community, that it's really kind of pointless and counter productive. You never really stop caring, and saying you are just extrapolates yourself more. I realized that since I will always care what people think of me, and I don't want to not care, that would have horrible consequences, I would just realize who I am and what I want. Confusing my values doesn't help a thing, I know what I want and I know what I should want, so, I just need to be honest with myself and accept the fact that I care what people think of me, that I do not like me, and that I do not expect others to like me and go from there. When I actually know who I am, it's really not that hard to change. I am an anti-anti conformist. That kind of rebellion is pointless and childish. It's based on the desire for pride and domination, or social attention. I think the point of this one was, know who you are, what you want, and do that without any misguidings. And if you can't accept criticism from yourself or others, you'll never improve or grow up. If no one tells you you're wrong, you always will be, and if your point isn't challenged, it's the same as beig friend with a bunch of yes-men, people who only agree with you won get you anywhere. This is the point of English class, they never bring attention to it, and it's actually completely backwards, but that's our school system! Taking a good idea and has it make no sense at all!

Point 6: I have to go to bed, so here's an emoticon of me right now: (( _ _ ))..zzzZZ

Who remembers nobody?

You see the chains binding your arms, the burdens that weigh so heavy in your arms, when they scream your name you remember you hate them, when they weep the bitter tears of pain you resent them for the pain they are to you. But what about the castaways? The long forgotten shackles that lay still on the ground, their captives free, living, active. Where do we stand when we have no one to keep. Why do we stir, what breathe brings us to our primordial constancy.

I think I'm asking: if no one cares, where does purpose lie?

I think I've reached my own. . . no, never mind

I just want to say, that I hope you have a merry christmas.  Sentimentally, I'm not sure if I care. . . I may or may not go back on the meds.

Not the words

I swear I saw those words, but I can't find them.
Where?!
Where?!
They have to be here! I. . . don't know what I'll do if i can't find them because they have to be real. I'd they're not real, if I imagined them again. . . DAmn, it may be starting again then.

With eyes half shut

I think I watch you dance, the way you do with your vocal ammunition.
Piercing my arms and my chest 'til I'm bound with your stakes of impassionate discourse.
Falling from rise to level, the way autumn robs the leaves from their cradle.
This whispering chandelier echoes the dawn of the apathetic sOcial anti conformity.
Do you belong if you're different?
What matters is that I'm here and everything is askew
Just a bit.
But enough for the oil to slip and the fires of this envical despair pillage and burn the remainder of the dry eyed demons.


I want them to rob you of your guilt.

It still hurt

It shouldn't, I'm better than this. I shouldn't care because my weaning was supposed to be therapeutic, helping. And then I didn't want that and turned and pleaded. But it still hurt. :(

It still hurt

It shouldn't, I'm better than this. I shouldn't care because my weaning was supposed to be therapeutic, helping. And then I didn't want that and turned and pleaded. But it still hurt. :(

505 by Arctic Monkeys

Please don't do this right now. This is not a good time. When do I ask, when do I plead, when am I a bitch, when do I threaten? Now, ask, when do you? And you see why I don't want to be explicit. Well, it's my life, I don't think you know, no, I know you don't. Don't you forget, this contingency is based off the concept of falsehood. One right step and it will come crumbling down, to be swallowed up in the vast river of Fate.



Careful, floor's wet.

505 by Arctic Monkeys

Please don't do this right now. This is not a good time. When do I ask, when do I plead, when am I a bitch, when do I threaten? Now, ask, when do you? And you see why I don't want to be explicit. Well, it's my life, I don't think you know, no, I know you don't. Don't you forget, this contingency is based off the concept of falsehood. One right step and it will come crumbling down, to be swallowed up in the vast river of Fate.



Careful, floor's wet.

Emergency Vacation(disaster/success)

BY letting her words slip into my skull, I let a part of myself die.
The part that says I'll get hurt
The part that says I'll get worse
The part that says I won't do
The part that says I can't do
So turn back spit and bare your teeth,
Watch them spin, see them writhe,
Know their names and feel them die.

Anxiety

I think literary genius is very much not one of the things I was made for, which really sucks because it just sits there taunting me.
Brain: "hey, Alex, I've got a really good idea"
Me: "oh yeah, what is it?"
Brain: "I forgot"
or
Brain: "I don't feel like telling you right now."
or
Brain: "okay I'll tell you, but I'm not going to make it sound coherent."

And then I try making coherency out of whatever shredded soggy piece of paper I have that was once a good idea. So, yeah, I'm gonna say I'm more of the guy that just tells people good ideas, but has no ability to do anything with them at all. . . And if you ever need a kick a idea, I'm right here. . . Well except for now, right now I'm on emergency vacation. Have fun!

If I talk, I display extreme confidence in you. Irreciprocatable

There is, this idea of existence I forgot had existed, and now I've remembered. I wonder why I stay like this. Why? When it's out there, it doesn't wait for me, nothing waits for me, I need to catch it because it exists. It's beautiful and its indescribably various in the most jagged way. I think it exists because I've seen it, other than that it just remained animated, existing but without form or idea, no conception and nor realization that there was a part of me that could react to it. If it was there when I was born then it's amount is up to affectualiztion of its subconceptualized under-theorization.


Lasting Thought: These mountains exist for me.

I guess antelope are people too?

So heavy in your arms?

I see it, but moreover, I hear it with the pounding of the mounted fists pitot on the wall. He can't move so he sits there watching you live your life, a constant reminder that he's bound. Then he thinks, I can live a life too, just not in this level of dimensionality. So he made his own and the machine was broken, it overworked and undershot, there was no start by the end was forever. This killed him.

Please don't kill me, it's perfectly Adele-related, I swear.

Well. . . Yeah, this Christmas season thing is weird. . . as usual, and of course I'm stuck in the middle of it while being pushed and pulled 3 different directions, and infant make my choices without someone having an aneurism, so screw it, I'm gonna go to Disney land, for real! You don't need family or their well wishings during Christmas! You just need some Disneyland and sea world awesomeness, so that's why I will be gone for the next week, starting Sunday, also, this isn't 100%, it's actually more like 55%, but we'll see, if it doesn't work out I'll probably just do what I was planning: nothing, just nothing.

Him: "You sound sick."

Me: "Yeah."
Him: "Do you know what you have?"
Me: "No."
Him: "How long have you been sick?"
Me: "About a week."
Him: "Oh, sorry."
Me: "Um, yeah, thanks."

4 days and I still don't know what to make of it. . . Ugh

historia de pantera y su sombras

The wound lies deep, like the ocean floor.
The sin is red, growing paper in death.

People have hope
Because they cannot see Death standing behind them

We reach out with our hands
Brush away the clouds and pierce the sky
To grab the moon and Mars
But we still cant reach the truth

Light a fire to the fang that cannot be reached
So that I do not have to see that star
So that I do not slit this throat

We think a flower on a cliff is beautiful
Because we stop our feet at the cliff's edge,
Unable to step out into the sky
Like that fearless flower

Tell me you hate me more than anything in the world

It is still to early to beleive

Old writings of a man with no hope

"Yes, there is no Fate for us
Only those who are swallowed by
Ignorance and fear and miss a step
Fall into the rapid river called Fate"

"If it rusts, it can never be trusted
If its owner fails to control it, it will cut him
Yes, pride is
Like a blade"

"No, nothing can change my world"
-Black Moon Rising

"Those who do not know what love is
Liken it to beauty
Those who claim to know what love is
Like it to ugliness"

"Everything in this world
Exists to wear you down"

"There is no meaning to our world.
There is no meaning to those of us living there.
We meaningless beings ponder the world,
Though the realization of meaninglessness
Means nothing itself."

"Break down,
Every single one of you"

"We are all
Born dead.
The end exists
Before anything begins.

If living
Is a constant quest for awareness,
The awareness we gain at the end is the real goal.
In other words, death
Is the discovery and complete understanding
Of the end.

We are not permitted to seek awareness.
Those that cannot transcend death
Will not find awareness in anything"

"We have
Not one
In common
No two
Are shaped alike
The third
Because of that eye we lack
In the fourth
Direction there is no hope
The fifth
Is at the heart"

"Endlessly adorned
Knowing it will be cut off,

Endlessly polished
Knowing they will be cut off,

They are terrifying, terrifying
In their fall.

The hair flutters to the ground
A lifeless husk.

Hair and fingernails
Are beautiful ornaments.
So why do they seems so baleful
When removed?
The answer is simple.
They are
Previews of what is to come, of death."



I first read these 3 years ago with no understanding, but great respect. I stand now staring at them with great understanding, but no respect.

I'll post more of them when I find them.

So you see these circles you run in? I guess not, from there, it seems like a series of interesting curves. . . If I tell you, you'll attack me, or you. . . And frankly, I'm not sure which I'm more scared of. I actually don't think it scares me now. . . I don't think it'll work long run however, besides, all circles have an end.

Lee Cutler

Look him up. Knowing the full story, there's many parallels between us, too many it seems. . . The difference is I'm smarter.

Σ(￣。￣ﾉ)ﾉ

Agh, this is weird. . . I've gone my whole life dealing with immature children, adults, pretty much everybody has always been arrogant, and childish, when it happens, it's not that big of a deal, but what's really weird is when someone I'm having a problem with starts acting maturely. . . completely throws me off. . . Also, if you think I'm talking about you, I'm not.

MOON

"I hate rain.  When you are sad, the rain comes down. . . when you are moody, it becomes cloudy.  It rains in here, too.  I can't stand it.  Can you understand?  How horrible it is to get rained on when you are all alone in an empty world?  I'll lend you whatever help you need!  In order to prevent that from happening. . . I won't let one drop of rain fall from that sky!  If you can trust me. . . trust me. . . you are not alone in this. . ."

Fall

I would sing the world to sleep.
In their dreams they would not weep.
Rain eternal on sea shores,
for those crawling on all fours.

Listen night and listen sky,
do not ask me why I cry.
For in running I can't see,
all the monsters chasing me.

Does this make sense to no one?
Or in circles do I run?
With this shadowed, hidden veil,
being rent with sudden wail.

As these demons finally see,
What they have done to me,
Oh how little are my eyes,
Eclipsed by their dark lies.

In this night, tears I don't shed
fill the room with senseless dread.
Am I destined to be found?
Will I ever turn around?

Will these demons finally see,
The rivets left in me?
Will they walk onto the shore?
Or will their wings unbeat no more?

Will they ever run in dread,
from the Angels they have fed?
Will their nightmares ever End,
When they come to me again?

Do I have to cause them pain?
Can they see me yet again?
Will I ever wish them ill?
Will I see they've had their fill?

In the calling, starving rain,
Monsters begging me again.
Beating on their empty chests,
freedom is in sight at last!

Onward into hell's embrace!
For the devil we shall face!
As the world is crashing down,
the lost shall finally be found!

The captors and the prey,
In the darkness shall ever lay.
As the kingdoms are fulfilled,
and the journey is last sealed.

This is, here, our salty shore,
we shan't walk forever more,
In the dead of night we came,
Here to take and eat the blame.

The Encounter

"I'm no one.  

I don't want to be anyone.  

All I care about is completing my conviction.  

This world is completely worthless, there's nothing left in it but misery.  

You have grown up and have endured the misery that comes with your roles, have you not?  

You should understand that misery a little."

"My 'role' isn't all that bad.  

.

 .

 .

 .

 .

 .

 .

You can call yourself no one, you can start a war, but even in this world you think is 'worthless', no one's falling for your dumbass lies!  

You can change your mask and take on as many names as you want, but you're still you, you're just one guy!  

And I've had enough!  

My conviction is now this:  I'm gonna tear that mask right off your face!"

I thought I had problems with conviction

But that's because I'm swimming against a current. . . Because it only drags yOu into choppy waters. You wonder how you got there? Ask me, I'll be honest. You're not bad and youre not good, you need help and you need to help. The conviction art process is born on the paradoxical basis of attraction. It's why beauty is hideous, and filth is illusion wry and at the same time binding. Do what you will, but don't turn back and yell into the waves that you live on different levels. Your the same, and there's this idea born of ignorant cruciality that we have a right to reason. You find a way to live in this world or don't; but don't tell me you dont do the same as any other with their hypocritical benignities. If you can't fight for the world or for your place in it then why do you think it gives a shit about you?

Junk transcribed from the failed wit of the insufferably verbatim

Please.


Just let these people fade into monoliths of intricated measure.  Let the walls build themselves and hide our view of the endless space.  
I stand here freezing but I'm not cold.
I stand here wounded but I'm not hurt.
I stand here dying but not of thirst.
I lay here falling but I'm just still.

This is one for the halcyon, the days of unmeasured pace and windless flight.  This is one for the winding rays of twisting notes, burning, edging, thriving, driving into the walls of recollected envy.
Woe is the night!  Stinging with these eyes of twinkling black.  Gliding and sliding through flesh, bone, and muscle into the hearts of those willing to leave their paradigmal glory for the vast reaches of it's limitless cage.


These eyes drag on, resisted by the lumping echoes of empathetical torment.  Will these hearts yet burn?  Or was  the value cut short from before the first destination?  
I say, I said, I say, "why?". For with out, can there be?  And if there is, then what gives right, for the indignation of reason?

こにわしにます

Do you know what happens when your world falls apart?

Absolutely

















Nothing.

The leaves change color, and the waves crash on course. . . As the ripples spread they weaken. . .

Right now I have so much darkness it's scary, really, to me. Which is unusual in itself, but I take solace in the fct that I recognize I'm not being the best I can, which means I'm actually better than I am. It means I realize I can be better, rather than just should as usual. Hope. . . The problem is I want to kill it.

Beauty often seduces us on the way to truth

The truth is beautiful, we wouldn't search otherwise.

I may be coming back sooner than expected, all is well

I found what I was missing.

They cannot see the way ahead
when Sun is gone, and Moon is dead.

We walk and push through our lives, all of us.  And I feel like I can see them. . . going in their little circles. . . they seem rather, fruitless at times, and I know we feel that way. . . why do I write we?  I guess it gives that feeling of communion or togetherness.  Things have been messed up for weeks and more and more things keep coming and confusing this mind. . . I found out yesterday. . . this is the training ground. . . I always saw my life as moving, that my birth was just the beginning of the end. . . I couldn't see it moving anywhere but the end. . . that's not a bad thing, but there isn't an end, I just figured everything would be sorted out after that and I'd just see what happens then. . . what i forget is that, my life hasn't started yet. . . I'm just waiting. . . waiting. . . waiting. . . and I've been afraid that this was true for the longest time. . . that I haven't begun yet. . . now that I know I haven't. . . it seems worthless. . .not quite. . . but the value is certainly. . . less. . . I think, what do the things I have in my life matter if it's not begun yet, I realized it doesn't. . . I also realized I don't want to keep or make that book anymore. . .I realized. . . I need to look forward, and around. . . not backward. . .  So. . . I'm not giving up. . . I thought I needed these things. . . us. . . to keep going. . . I thought I had so much. . . ability. . . and responsibility. . . but now I realize. . . I really don't. . . I am. . . looking. . . and reaching to find and start these things early. . . but that's not me now. . . and there has always been so much I want. . .I'm not necessarily avaricious. . .but, I desire. . . there's good and bad there, but I've always thought it would just sort of, happen. . .that I was in the midst of the troubles, and somehow I, then, deserved. . . my greatest arguement is, "Know ye not, that ye are not your own. . ."  How oft to forsake the power we crave indefinitely. . . why must I drag these things on. . . lead these passages of my life through these dark corridors. . . to sum up the entire post:  I'm dumb, but I'm changing that. . . don't worry about me. . . I may not come back. . .

I suck again

I found out again today that I suck, apparently I'm petty On top of that. Today could have been one of the awesomest days in my life. It wasnt, or I wouldn't be bitching on here. . . I tried figuring out why, then I decided I was selfish, then I decided I didn't care about People, then I decided I'm insane, delusional, and in need of many people to put me away. . . Ugh, life. . . I honestly have no idea, oh wait, yes I do. . . I'm gonna try something tomorrow and if it doesn't work. . . I may do something drastic.

Have fun?

Ya know, I had the idea for the longest time that my happiness lay buried underground, by my own hand some 11 years ago. . .and That I had to dig the dirt away to find it and claim it for my own. . .
Today I realized that's not true. . . 
As I wandered this fine saturday, between heaven and hell, I looked up and saw that elusive euphoric stance soaring through the air, I had discovered that I did not bury it those years ago, but that God had given it flight. . .I then watched my happiness fly away from me, I ran after it, and took notice, vainly, that I did not bear wings.

GRUMBLE

I spent 2 hours today in happy/hell. . . Then i wasn't sure if I was happy/crazy. . . Now I am excited/something. . . figure this one out

Got it

It started before i was 6, exploded then, then it's been. . . suppressed and now after that. . . thing that happened . . .it's been bursting out and attacking me. . . I don't know anymore, and It's just been killing me as of late. . . Damn

Dammit

So simple really, why can't i just write the words like that?!

Carnage. My favorite Super Villian

I felt weird

Then i went back to normal, typical. .  I really just need to learn to not look. . . but then I'd worry. . . blerg. . .

I'm here, just tell me when you're ready.  The rest can do what they will

Maybe they're right

Maybe Dave's right, saying that death might be better than her suffering.
Maybe Angela's right, saying that I did what I could, and you're decisions are your own.
Maybe Sam's right, saying I should just leave.

*censored*

I would have left it at that, but you don't get that I'm denying these claims with the sentence I deleted, it was harsh, but the point is. . . They're not. . . They can't be. . . I don't care if I get hurt by you, I need you to see the light, I  need you to not do this. . . And nobody elses answer is good enough for me. . . You know what I will become, so LISTEN!  Don't do It. . . I know you haven't. . . Just WAKE UP!

I swear to you

I WILL NOT GIVE UP!  AND IF YOU DO ANYTHING I WILL STOP YOU!

Weirdness?

I decided to look up when Paranormal Activity 3 comes out. . . It's today. This was totally unplanned, me and my cousin just saw it on Netflix and decided to watch it, and the third one comes out on the same day? Weird. . . This is making it into the book. . .

Nah

Paranormal Activity 2 is definitely not as scary as the first one. . . So, what do we do? Watch the first one of course :)

Shoot dawg

Perhaps watching one of the scariest movies of your life isn't the best idea at 4 am, especially right after hallucinating. . . Maybe that wasn't the best idea to do either

15 things I absolutely love (and do not hate at all)

So apparently some people think I hate everything, which is not true, im just usually grasping for straws trying to come up with good conversation. . . Well, here it is, in no particular order:

1. Riding bikes through. . . everywhere and anywhere
2. The color Red
3. Reading (I only hate some books, I love reading itself)
4. Music
5. Rain
6. My religion- this extends to all facets of it, as my list would be infinitely long if I wrote every part of it I love, this also extends to everybody associated with it. ie. deity, prophets, etc.
7. Blogs
8. Good humor
9. Mall pretzels, from: Pretzel Time, Pretzel Maker, etc.
10. . . . (ellipses)
11. Beautiful things (true beauty, ie. this pond in Alaska, musical beauty, etc.)
12. My little sister Addison, and my little brothers, (they are the only people I love that I do not, nor have ever hated, or resented in even the most minuscule way)
13. My cool jackets
14. Helping people, even though I'm a door mat, I don't regret it, when people take advantage of me, that's their problem, I'm perfectly happy giving them whatever they need. My one redeeming quality.
15. The Nightmare Before Christmas, (this has been my favorite. Movie since June 1994, it came out on VHS quite shortly after my birth, and I have evidence of me watching it then, I don't want to sound hipster but I did like it way before it became a mild-goth/emo style icon)

Not depressed

P.S. you suck

Disappear by Evanescence

It's when I'm like this that people should be neither afraid nor secure. . . Sometimes, I just want to be fulfilled. . . One day I'll find a way. . . Hopefully. . .

Mask

The second face.
I am not myself.




We're gonna see how this one plays out.
Because something's gotta go.
And I don't want it to be you.

I had so much more I was going to write

But, now I'm just whatever, so. . . whatever. . . Tomorrows the bigish day. . . So I guess we'll probably see then. . . And maybe, oh yeah, i was gonna write about something. . . nope, can't remember, so. . . whatever. . . hm, maybe I'm just berg right now, I was ugh earlier, I like ugh, other people seem to like ugh also, oh, that was part of what I was gonna write, but it's just comin' in pieces, so it's not worth the effort. . . I might get a job, I might pass all my classes this term, I might have to ge high to do it. . . I don't think it's worth it if I do. . . I'd see it as an elaborate form of kind cheating. . . By definition, not by actual intent or action. . . It would take a while to explain it so, I don't really feel like it. . . But. . . Yeah, I sorta cried today. . . But!. . . . . . I have no excuse. . . Damn you children! Ugh, I forgot, Im supposed to stop cursing so much, but, I don't feel like going back and deleting it, that is a lot of effort on an iPod keyboard. . . almost as much effort as and ellipses, but that's worth the effort, a least I think so. . . I'm going now. . . Good bye

Just more ugH

I have this love/hate complex. And. . . It's days where I see sub things and it brings up a lot of his crap. . .

Please, if I'm happy again

Just leave me, before I hurt you. I'd rather you leave me then, rather than when I care.

Oh, it is good. . . It really is good

Wow, it's crazy how really happy I am, it's such a beautiful day outside, I'm running a 5k on Friday, a zombie one, yes. And I'm completely ignoring the fact that my mood is totally not real, an effect of my mood disorders, which I'm getting checked out on Wednesday. Well, I'm just going to enjoy it while it lasts, and hopefully not act likeroo much of a jerk, I dot know why, but when I'm like this, inreally don't give a damn about anyone else. Weird, but, I can't help but care about everybody else the other 99% of the time when I'm miserable, so maybe taking a break is a good thing. Mmmmmm, it's GLaDOs time!

Ugh (possibly part 3)

I believe this is the third ugh. But not entirely sure. So, ive pretty much always identifies myself as my mothers son, not so mug my fathers, not that i disassociate myself with him, it's just, I had the idea that I was born to my mother, rather than to my father, ya get it? Well, I pretty much am my father. . . I've been in denial of it for years, but that only goes for so long. . . I really think the only difference between him, and me in 20 years is that I know more, I'm smarter, and I'm nowhere near as hard of a worker as he is. It honestly boggles my mind how he can go on with the life he has had, not with the pain, but with the constant beatdowns life has given him. He's far from perfect, but I dont know anyone as strong as him in his ability to keep pressin on with all of his strength no matter what hand life deals him, and it's always been a crappy one. As his only son, I obviously have a lot of pressure, from everyone else and especially from myself. . . So this is the cause for many problems in y life, but, I don't know where I would be if I had the ability to give up on myself, despite wherever I am, I can ever help but try to make it better when I can. I'm not the strongest, wisest, or bravest person. But I can see that I can one day become a man that rivals my father, I'm sad to see the life he had to live, bein the person he is, and, I can see how amazing of a life he would have had I'd he had grown up in the right kind of home, but, none of us really did. No one in my family at least, well. . . I guess we'll see where I take this life. . .

Really, my life is sO stupidly simple

Scary thought: if any of you could guess halfway decent, you'd most probably be spot on to what each post is about, even when obscure.
This is what I wrote my last night while in Idaho:

So, this is me on Friday night, in Idaho, I just write this and will post it later.  But, today was good, Lisa came to Utah for the weekend, so we were able to see each other, which was pretty nice.  And after school, I went home and lacked for this Idaho trip, it's a family reunion tomorrow, and I got Portal 2!  It was amazing, I could only play it for like, 20 minutes before I had to go, by that's okay, I rode up here with my sister driving, and it took us 4 hours.  Hm, car rides don't really feel long after we drove from Utah to Alaska, I mean, i realized that four hours had passed, but, I never really got bored, or sick or it.  It was just, simple.  On the way here, me and my sister pretty much spent the whole time sharin our various musics we had acquired since last we met.  She go me more into Adelle, i showed her Lykke Li and Tegan & Sara, which she surprisingly loves both of them now.  And then I got here, to my aunt Teresa's house.  Yeah, my sister's staying at a friends house here in Idaho Falls, well, she's in Idaho Falls, I'm in Rigby, but they're close. . . ish. . . It felt really. . . Kind of oddly comfortable here.  I couldn't stay here for too long, I'd go crazy, but for this night, it's nice. . . We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Figured it out; it's not :)

Well, tonight I went out, bike, but it was really differenter, it was cold, it had snowed in the mountains today and the winds were freezing. I loved it. And I had those flashbacks to something, it feels like Whyoming, but I don think so. . . I remember running, during the winter, there was snow everywhere, and, it was either night, withba full moon, or day, with heavy cloud cover, but I just remember goin through a small town, and then through some fields. . . There were trees separating the town from the fields. . . I don't remember where, when, or much else. . . It was weird because I was happy remembering it. . . And then something else happened, it was, amazing, my awakening. . . It was me waking up and seeing the world through the eyes I keep forgetting. I deme ever the first day i started dreaming, instead of just living, it was 3 years ago, in woke up, didn't see real things, didn't hear real things, didn't do real things that morning as I experienced it. I went into the living room and asked my mom, "is this a dream?". She acknowledged me and left. I scratched up my knuckles on the concrete at school the to see if it was real. . . Then my friends asked why my knuckles were bleeding, I said because I'm trying to wake up. They just asked, "What?". And resumed their lives. So I went along with it. I've woken up maybe five times since then. But everything still feels like a dream. Like I'm disconnected in sub a physical sense, it's impossible to describe to someone. . . I thought I woke up again in August, but Im sure ibwas just high. . . I woke up again with such, realization and elation. . . Now I'm back to normal, things changed and I had to go through the motions of new realization, but I'm still happy, or at least holding onto it, this may be a small delayed depression thing, but I'll last, now.

Oh! I get it now. . . But I'm not really seeing where I missed my chance. . . Oh, maybe there. Dang it.

Today is what yesterday, I said 'would be the perfect day'. And despite the goodness of it, i can seem to enjoy it the way I should or would. . . Maybe I'm just in the wrong place?

Ohmahgoodness

I had a dream or this exact sight! I remember the numbers specifically! The only difference is inthe dream I was unbearably hot and stressed out, while right now i remain chilly and calm. ！(◎_◎;)

It's just blerg

I wish my brain had that weird part that connects feeling to words, if I do, it's probably smallEr than crap, because it always comes out as a completely different word, or a weird made up one. But right now is something, it's not reLly blerg, but I'm not totally sure what it is so whatever. . . N stuff. . .

Noo Moosic; There's a Good Reason These Tables are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Figured It Out Yet, by Panic! @ the Disco

I just updated the playlist at the bottom. . . new musics, old musics, some Tegan & Sara, Everywhere I Go, a couple of Gorillaz, and, something else I forgot. . . i also took out some of the La Roux and Lady Gaga. . .

There it is, this fierce requiem for a lost Phantom of flight and fancy

There is nothing worse than a shattered chandelier.

Ow

Mah heart hurts

It's starting to come back.

Yes! I was siftiglng through old computer files and folders to try to organize myself a bit more, and I found the digital copy of Nightamre Before Christmas, my most favorite movie. I love it, so naturally it went on my iPod in like 6 seconds. And now. . . I dunno, I remember a lot of things, what I love/loved. And I remembered that, I need change, I'm just not the kind of person who can stay with too much routine or regularity all the time and it drives me crazy! Ugh, well, yeah, her, it's crazy, but I thought I had escaped this cycle I'm in, but I guess I can leave it for too long.

Sol

So, when I skip a few days of posting. . . It either means a big change has happened, I'm doing really good, or I'm doing horribly bad. This weekend was conference though, so that was keeping me from blogging a lot. . . That's all, I felt obligated to post something.

Goodnight moon
Goodnight stars
Good ight Christopher Lee's creepy voice

Screaming

I wish it wOuld help right now. Apathius. しに

Today, I went swimming in a lake. . . During 3rd period.

I had a dentists appointment in Duchesne. I was the 1st done, and my mom and cousin found a 'health and wellness' building, which was relly just a workout and nutrition area. Anyways, I rented a bike there and rode to a lake, where I swam. The End. . . Also I have sucky teeth. . .

Saturday and Sunday

So much to look forward to.

These Daemon Diebus are going to stop.

It's a brand new day, but who's to say this day won't contain demons as well?

Urban dictionary: proof it is occasionally correct

http://www.urbandictionary.com/iphone/#define?term=alex

Multi

Abba told me to find paxón. He said he had tristeza because I did not have it. I said そです。ぼきのパッションわ外です。il a quitté. Triste, non? Nein. It wasn't. I was laetus. Fin.

lux et lacrymosa ex tenebris gaudium

しります。ぼくのかせはしにです。 闇でぼくをきます。

Discontinuous Irrevocability

You suck, ya know that? I think you ignore it but that's fine. . . No, I suck. But that's okay, its just my internally biased opposition of fate or desire. How about I pretend, and then lock the gate shut, and swallow the key. Put the children back in their beds, without my manipulated dead, and just lie down, while the monsters roam free.

Irony

When the most beautiful thing in the world reminds you that you dont need beauty.

Oh.

It's because i think God hates me.

I thnk I'll just go out and pretend its beautiful

Never works

I want something beautiful

I'm not sure what yet.  I don't even think I want it for myself. . . I just want something beautiful that I can help, create or support.

Pho-toes!

Pictures, just stuff I took in Alaska and in Provo, and on the drive from Duchesne
It's out of order. . . and the one with just an orange circle was the moon the night I left Alaska

The

So, you ever imagine what your life would be like, as a criminal, on the run because you punched a guy sitting next to you several times in the face?  Well that's what i did in Sunday school today. . . the imagining, i didn't actually punch the guy sitting next to me in the face. . . .even if i wanted to really bad. . . For some reason today I was super pissed off. . . not sure why, I think it's just the shifty mood stuff considering later i was happy as a clam for no other reason.  Well at least I'm getting help now. . . sort of. . . .it's weird and it may take a while.  But it's progress.  And now I have nothing more to say, so I bid you . . . I can't remember the word, but it means good bye. . .so, um, bye. . .

It's beautiful.

I feel like I finally understand what ティテ クボ meant when he spoke of Espanol.

Payson

For as little I knew and discovered, it really was home. Maybe not while there, but, now that things are better and they're gone. . . I visited my grandmother, my old neighborhood and even my old house. Not so old, I haven't lived there for 3 years, but I was last in there in April. Hm, I didnt get to see everything I wanted, and I made a promise to several people that I would go back sometime. I'm not sure if I can go back, or if I- no, I do want to. Regardless of whos still there. Ugh. . . Life.

I definitely took too much satisfaction from the facebook error message

It just said, "sorry, something went wrong."
It was honest
It was sorry
It took accountability and didn't blame me
It didn't avoid me
It tried fixing the problem
And no one else seems to do these things when it comes to me.

The party

Looking back, I knew a block away from my house that I wouldn't turn out well. I wasn't right for going to it and I should just turn around. Especially after yesterday, but, I wanted to get out and enjoy myself regardless. So I went, after being fir five seconds, I realized that I might actually be okay, I could be fine around Bethany without being bothered about how I felt, or what she did, or is doing. But the others there, the ones I didn't know all fit this, archetype. They were all the same, and Jillian was there, I'm glad I'm finally over that, she was unhealthy. Then Jacob showed up, I Dislike him above mOst people I know, he's just such an arrogant prick. And then, there was the focus of the party. I wondered. . . I knew her best of all, and she didn't surprise at all. But, I surprise myself more than anyone else, and tonight i saw her different. And then I didn't, it was crazy how fast it went away. . . It all went away, and i remembered, I love going back to south Utah county, but, it's hard sometimes. As I drove home, I just. . . Slowly stopped feeling, and then felt more, and then stopped, and these cycles continued. And going home, no, coming back here, I remembered when I actually wanted being here, when I loved comin up north. And I remembered hope, what it felt like, knowing the future is uncertain, but that it can turn out well. And I realized how Lon I've gone without that degree of hope, i still have it, but when it was a raging inferno, it's just a candle, it dies frequently. And I'm not sure how long it will last without something to make it grow. Maybe I'll forget the future, it's always better when I do.

Ugh, music

I love/hate what it does to me. Makes me see me as me after I go through these crazy self-inflicted cycles. It opens me up and closes me back when I need it. But then, I remember, it's just me. It's me doing these things, it's how I interpret the music and I do this to myself, and I love it, because evey bad thing, and every good thing is actually juts me doing it to myself, I may not choose how I'm affected by things, but it really is just me, and when I can learn how to control it, I make myself whatever i want. Now what I want is a whole 'nother dilemma with various philosophical and mental ideologies that I'm not going into here. Bu I'm now okay that for the third time in a row i still haven't gone into intake at wasatch mental health, despite making it ontime, having an appointment, and remembering to brin my Medicaid card. . . maybe one day it'll actually happen. Tomorrow is our next attempt, but I don't have much faith it will turn out the way we intend, that is getting an intake appointment, I honestly don't care what they say at this point, I just want to talk. . . and try to get some measure of help. We'll see, again. . .

I like my grandma

And occasionally I gain a certain respect for her, old and annoying as she may be. At least she remembers my baby blessing, which apparently had a weird bit of info. Makes me feel better though, and worse. It sort of ties in with my patriarchial blessing, but makes me worried about how then, I'm going to have to suffer when I get older. We all do, it's necessary, no matter how good you are, or what you do, it's part of life, we are hurt so we can grow, learn, to push us to better things. I just thought I knew how, but now I wonder. . . I should probably reread my patriarchial blessing. . . it has stuff in it. Now I'm just. . . Weird. Like, Im bored, without the boredom, like I don't feel anything about it. My official appOintment with wasatch mental health is tomorrow. Hope that works out. I thinking just rambling at this point so, um. . . good bye.

I keep finding this lying part of me that rejects beauty and appreciation for this sense of life

I scare myself too much. Maybe it's just because it's coming closer to October, which means Halloween. By far my favorite holiday, it's not the candy, it's the culture, the haunted houses, the, art everywhere and in the smallest ways. It seems everybody get creative for the decoration and flair of it.

The part was fear. It's hard to kill.

The yellow hour before sunset used to be full of precipcial joy

Now it feels like it's holding back everything that comes after it. I forgot I used to like it. Now that I remember, I almost do like it again. . . it seems rather hopeless now. Maybe ill enjoy it again

Tic Tacs

Why am I addicted to them?

I apologize

For anyone who starts reading my blog when 'Schizophrenia' is up. . . it's messed up.  It's from Portal 2.  And i don't know why, but i feel so much from it.  It's freaky though, listen to it for long enough and you'll hear his words. . . eventually i'll post what he is saying. . . or you can just google it. . . if you care enough.

Wrong

I was never right. . . That's a lie, because ibremember being right, being. . . More than I am now. Or maybe, it didn't matter then, but no, they saw it, even then, that's why they always left. Always. Now, I just, cling to the fact that normalcy in any friendship just isn't possible, because even when I find a good normal one, I have to ruin it. No, wait, the friendship was built on a potential foundation to begin with, and, I'm just going to have to snap it. Because it won't hold on it's own for any extended period o time. I'm just going to survive this storm while its raging, then I'll have to do it. I think I'm scared, which is probably why I have to do this, whether or not I have a choice.

I don't want you to have this power

What have you done to earn it?

Not even your eyes can save me from this.

For some reason, I really thought they could.

It makes sense now

But I am weak, which in this case defines my tragic flaw. So I have been commanded, and so shall I do. . . I just hope we can understand what I going to happen tomorrow and why. And I hope you are both thoroughly bothered and understanding, because i failed, so I'm going to leave that alone now. Good bye, whatever existed.

I am so sorry

For displacing my crazy to you. Because I just realized this, today when I was thinking what are my two biggest stressors right now, sadly, the were my two crazies. . . and then I realized it was really only one. . . I had deferred some of the reasoning of it to you, and that's not right because I now feel like I used you to carry the burden of it, and I don't know how to take it away from you now. Like it enjoys it's new home and doesn't wan to leave, so, maybe I'll kill it. It will just reincarnate to something else. . . Hopefully something that doesn't make me do this.

I don't think you realize how those eyes speak to me

They expose that part that sees, the part that hides, and the part that makes me cringe.

How do you break out of this cycle of selfish bastardocity? I really do epitomize the term. Notice when we talk how many times I say I Compared to how much normal people/good people say I. And que epiphany. Wow, I can't really think otherwise, even helping people is just because of the feeling of gratitude I get from others. Its like all I do is eat from them, and, I don't know how to not want to. I can stop, but only for so long before my hunger gets to me. Im not really sure how to want others to feel better if I don't feel better as well, maybe I'm not supposed to. Ugh, I can tell when these self improvements are healthy, or living up to these bizarre expectations the world seems to have for me. I always feel guilty when I don't live up to them, regardless of their kudu racy. And now. . . I'm just in this cycle and every social fiber of my being is screaming at me for fear of people believing this, if you're smart you will, because I'm not writing this for pity, or to get any reply. I'm just. . . Speaking through broken lips and forked tongue.

Hm, the last post was 100, maybe I should've acknowledged it then. . . but then I couldn't use any dalmations reference

Well, learned 'crazy' on the ukulele, I'm working on 'mad world', I felt abandoned and now I'm going to bed. . . So, all in all, it's generally the same. . . Maybe that point was reached several times, recently, the breaking point. . . They say it won't, but it does. It's who I am. Good night.

That's why.

I said that more epiphany-like. It's because I thought it was one way, and since I'd beaten that, I thought I was fine without. Then, I discovered through very unconventional ways that it was not, it was in no way. And now, I'm not sure, I want it, but, I also think I should stick to what I had at first. Im confused. And better now, I definitely triggered a depressive streak yesterday. . . it's gone.

Oh, that's what I do

Let the monsters back in. They know how to tear this into shreds.

Quicksand

"I'm the obsessor, holding your hand.
It seems you have forgotten, about your plan.
Alone in the darkness. . . And I'm in the Quicksand."

Weird when the song lyrics seem to fit, actually I did change one word, but that's because I thought I heard it the way I wrote it first, and It fit more so, it's like that now.

Does that make me crazy?

Any answer will do. As long as one exists. This is too much now.

It hurts, *sigh*, it hurts :\

I just hate, and love, and, want it to stay and want it to end. I have no idea, it hurts to feel this, and, the worst part is that it's real, well, it's not real, but, I'm feeling this for real, with reason, or maybe the feelin is amplified with whatever's up. . . I need to tell this to somebody, but, for once, I can't tell it to anybody. Anybody here, or, there, or, almost anywhere. . . I know where to go. . . I just want now, not like I did before, I kade my decisions without feeling, because I 'knew' they were right, or at least noble in some regards. But now, I want to back out of it, I, feel it now, and I hate that I do. Truth is I created it. And I killed it. And I miss it. And it's not real, but it felt real, and still partially does. Like it's still out there somewhere. Which I guess could make sense if this is some bizarre sequel to the last dream that made me feel this, maybe not the last one, but definitely the first. Maybe, it's real, and maybe I'll find out one day. The more I think of it, the more i realize that maybe it is real, it felt real afterwards last time, and, maybe I'm just seeing a part of them now, years later. Making me feel this. The way they do. I hate my dreams. And right now, it seems they hate me. Or love me. I hope it's the latter and that this is for my benefit, even if it tortures me like this. This way. In. . . Here.

Oh, I get it now

People don't listen > I feel unimportant > I think I don't matter > I don't speak my mind/let myself get taken advantage of > people don't listen > repeat.

Now I'm confused

I just don't know what I am for anymore. . . I just. . . Don't know what I do or don't want. . . Uh, kind of hard to explain without just saying it all, but, Im not sure if I really know what's what. . . things changed in here, and, Im not sure if i now want this, or if inwas right to begin with.

I hate you

I'm talking to my dreams. There's a reason I hate them, and every time I try to assume their good they turn around and bite me in the ass! I hate them so much right now. . .

Dangit

I need to learn to appreciate things when I have them. It always seems that I never want to be wherever I am. In Alaska, I missed Utah, now, I dislike Utah a lot. . . well, I did, and I started thinking when a so I was listening to said, "home is where the heart is, you can find where you belong. . ." yeah, you'd think that would make me think my home is here, because my family's here, well, half of it is. . . but, I don't really think this is where I belong. And I mean that in the sense that it's not where I can be happiest, not in the sense that I should be somewhere else. . . but, I remember the most beautiful place I have ever seen. . . I want it now, I didn't really appreciate where I was when I was there. . . but now, I look back and think, that's the only place I can really imagine me being happy, day or night, rain or shine, regardless if livin there is really feasible. . . I can keep it in my head as a goal. . . to go back there. . . and just, be happy for a while. . . if the world allows, I'm not so sure lately, I can feel it starting. . . something is going to happen this year, I have theis sense of. . . foreboding I don't usually carry, I'm usually such a hopeful person, but, I can tell this is an oncoming tragedy. . . I guess we'll see. . .

Written without sight

The Girl who ran a mile and a half
with mascara wailing down her face,
like an act of banishd light.
Her countenance bears deception in her eyes shamed veil,
a stolen shadow with forebode enhanced.

Why are we lost?
The taken preach this night and day,
and most of the city has joined.
Our Celestial Orb shines down to us,
giving light into our eyes, showing all that is.
Never has night been forever,
so why do the people stop?
Build their kingdoms, but not another's.
If they do not know, how can they see?
By our Head the light is given,
and to our faces, it never ceases to show.
Knowing we are below
The Sun,
The Moon,
The Stars,
  How are we lost?







Truly, we are found.