It hurts, *sigh*, it hurts :\

I just hate, and love, and, want it to stay and want it to end. I have no idea, it hurts to feel this, and, the worst part is that it's real, well, it's not real, but, I'm feeling this for real, with reason, or maybe the feelin is amplified with whatever's up. . . I need to tell this to somebody, but, for once, I can't tell it to anybody. Anybody here, or, there, or, almost anywhere. . . I know where to go. . . I just want now, not like I did before, I kade my decisions without feeling, because I 'knew' they were right, or at least noble in some regards. But now, I want to back out of it, I, feel it now, and I hate that I do. Truth is I created it. And I killed it. And I miss it. And it's not real, but it felt real, and still partially does. Like it's still out there somewhere. Which I guess could make sense if this is some bizarre sequel to the last dream that made me feel this, maybe not the last one, but definitely the first. Maybe, it's real, and maybe I'll find out one day. The more I think of it, the more i realize that maybe it is real, it felt real afterwards last time, and, maybe I'm just seeing a part of them now, years later. Making me feel this. The way they do. I hate my dreams. And right now, it seems they hate me. Or love me. I hope it's the latter and that this is for my benefit, even if it tortures me like this. This way. In. . . Here.