Hi, there are currently 3 people who I hope read this. I'm actually feeling pretty insightful right now, so please read this in the robotic and partially caring tone I feel I wrote this in, and forgive my typos.
First I would like to say that I'm sorry for those who I've reached that breaking point with. If any of you have spoken to me, I've mentioned it, and said what it was, whether or not you remember it, it's okay, just know I'm sorry. I drive people away, I'm not sure why. I know I hav lots of trust issues, and emotional problems, and anxiety stuff, and mood junk, but I don't think that should change how I act towards you. This is weird, because despite being my blog, I'm going to say this is the firs time I'm being fully honest on it. I'm a compulsive liar, I do it everyday, I guess I think that Since I don't trust people, they don't trust me, so what's th point. Well, I do trust my older sister, but we grew up together, and I think it's just because she wouldn't have a reason to lie to me, she's pretty straightforward, she's a really good person and a hard enough worker to not need anything given to her. I'm kind of the opposite, I really started out with a lot of natural talent, I was smart, and pretty charismatic as a child, then, of course, life happens and I became very vulnerable at a young age, people exploited that, I was manipulated and hurt to the point where i didn't know or care what was real. Nothing mattered because it didn't make sense. The world did whatever it could to take things and people away from me, and, since the world could get away with it using deception and manipulation, I could too, so I did. Well, now I'm older and I've surpassed the people who did this to me on so many levels, I actually hate them. Because I can see how easily I can take it all away from them, I literally have the potential to break them all. And I see that I, a 17-year old still has the decency to not harm 3 "adults" to the level that they hurt a child. Honestly I hate them all so much, and they still do it! They still get away with it, and is still jus have to sit here and take it. Wow, that was a long digression, but its not like this post is planned out, so. . .
Second point: I really do care about you guys, and I have a mixture between feeling sorry for you, because I know none of you appreciate he good you have in your life, even when you see it. My cousin is a great friend, she is currently living with me and Im really glad she could for these past months. She also has the worst taste in guys, and she wonders why it never turns out good. And it always starts with the guys she goes for, she goes for the guys that are bad for her and are generally pretty terrible people, fact is, lots of guys are bad, they'll hurt you, disrespect you, and take advantage of you because they don't care about you. Flip side: lots of guys will care for you, respect you, and do whatever they can for you because they actually have the right values and standards. And yet every girl I know doesn't beleive this second group exists before 21.
SO WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT WHEN YOU DATE THESE RETARTED DOUCHEBAGS?!
And if you're wondering if a guy is a douchebag, flip a coin!
Heads: Douchebag
Tails: Double Douchebag
And if it lands on its side: marry him!
There are good guys, yes, but you will never notice them because they don't give a damn about any girl who can't look down a freakin' pew to see them!
If you want to meet a guy that has the same standards and/or interests as you, then just live your life the way you think you should, because there is no place guys go just to meet girls, not even parties or bars, sure theyd be less fun without females, but since most guys strike out 70% of the time, they're not going to go somewhere without a backup time-wasting activity, ie: (worst scenarios) drinking, dancing, generic club stuff. So, guys go where guys want to go! Go where you want to go and you will meet a guy who goes where you want to go!
3: um, I'm kind of ranted out right now, so I'll just see what comes up. . . Oh yeah, I love you guys, that may seem weirdish or something, but it's how I feel, and I hate it. Ya know that migr actually be worse, but that is also what I feel. I an suffocated by the fact that I care about any of you, you hurt me, then you leave, because I'm not worth it or something, and the truth is that I dont like it. I could say I hate you, but that would only be partially true. And it's okay even I it is, because frankly, I kind of hate most everyone, some people would say its because I she myself, but I've already openly acknowledged that, I think hiding it would only be me priding myself above you. I guess I just hate everybody really, well, not everybody, there still are some people i can't hate, but that's not you guys.
Forth: I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever kill myself. I do not know how many times I have to say that. Some people disbelieve this, fact is: it has nothing to do with my strength of character. I'm just so restricted and subdued, if I ever gave up on life, I would live like crazy. My life is still the number on thing to me, maybe sad but true, I care more about it than anybody or anything else, and it will be the last to go. Now, I try to change this, I try to change a lot about myself, but change for me is freakin hard, because I'm so ruled by my emotions and moods. People say its harder to change as you get older, but I find t easier. As I get older, I seperate myself more and more from what I feel, and I can confirm used to what I really want. So yeah, I just hav to let more time pass and just live.
Point, the fifth: I realize more and more through reading many a blog, that most rants contribute of anger at a specific group of people for some reason, while the author feels vindicated by said group. Well, I'm not going into why I think that's ridiculous, well, I'll just name the following: Hitler, Pharoah, and Voldemort. Now, to point, most of the time, and I have done this a lot as well, the phrase : I give up, is tossed around. And it's usually an, I give up caring, or doing or whatnot. I realized while watching Community, that it's really kind of pointless and counter productive. You never really stop caring, and saying you are just extrapolates yourself more. I realized that since I will always care what people think of me, and I don't want to not care, that would have horrible consequences, I would just realize who I am and what I want. Confusing my values doesn't help a thing, I know what I want and I know what I should want, so, I just need to be honest with myself and accept the fact that I care what people think of me, that I do not like me, and that I do not expect others to like me and go from there. When I actually know who I am, it's really not that hard to change. I am an anti-anti conformist. That kind of rebellion is pointless and childish. It's based on the desire for pride and domination, or social attention. I think the point of this one was, know who you are, what you want, and do that without any misguidings. And if you can't accept criticism from yourself or others, you'll never improve or grow up. If no one tells you you're wrong, you always will be, and if your point isn't challenged, it's the same as beig friend with a bunch of yes-men, people who only agree with you won get you anywhere. This is the point of English class, they never bring attention to it, and it's actually completely backwards, but that's our school system! Taking a good idea and has it make no sense at all!
Point 6: I have to go to bed, so here's an emoticon of me right now: (( _ _ ))..zzzZZ
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