The party

Looking back, I knew a block away from my house that I wouldn't turn out well. I wasn't right for going to it and I should just turn around. Especially after yesterday, but, I wanted to get out and enjoy myself regardless. So I went, after being fir five seconds, I realized that I might actually be okay, I could be fine around Bethany without being bothered about how I felt, or what she did, or is doing. But the others there, the ones I didn't know all fit this, archetype. They were all the same, and Jillian was there, I'm glad I'm finally over that, she was unhealthy. Then Jacob showed up, I Dislike him above mOst people I know, he's just such an arrogant prick. And then, there was the focus of the party. I wondered. . . I knew her best of all, and she didn't surprise at all. But, I surprise myself more than anyone else, and tonight i saw her different. And then I didn't, it was crazy how fast it went away. . . It all went away, and i remembered, I love going back to south Utah county, but, it's hard sometimes. As I drove home, I just. . . Slowly stopped feeling, and then felt more, and then stopped, and these cycles continued. And going home, no, coming back here, I remembered when I actually wanted being here, when I loved comin up north. And I remembered hope, what it felt like, knowing the future is uncertain, but that it can turn out well. And I realized how Lon I've gone without that degree of hope, i still have it, but when it was a raging inferno, it's just a candle, it dies frequently. And I'm not sure how long it will last without something to make it grow. Maybe I'll forget the future, it's always better when I do.