Playlist; No, I Don't Remember by Anna Ternheim

I'm actually on a computer and not on my iPod for once so i can post something with relatively good grammar at high speeds.  I'm taking this chance to list my current music playlist. . . good mix-up.  I've done a music post before but this is a list that people should look up. . . i recommend all of theses songs:

Monster by Paramore
Decode by Paramore
Ignorance by Paramore
Hell by Tegan and Sara
Don't Rush by Tegan and Sara
Call it Off by Tegan and Sara
White Lies and White Lines by Polaroid Kiss
Paper Planes by MIA
Feathers by Coheed and Cambria
The Suffering by Coheed and Cambria
Feel Good Inc by Gorillaz
Dare by Gorillaz
Stylo by Gorillaz
Rhinestone Eyes by Gorillaz
Glitter Freeze by Gorillaz
Superfast Jellyfish by Gorillaz
Hella Good by No Doubt
Airplanes by BOB & Hayley Williams
Ghetto Ways by Scissors for Lefty
In Your Apartment by Charlotte Sometimes
How I Could Just Kill a Man by Charlotte Sometimes
Ex Girlfriend Syndrome by Charlotte Sometimes
No, I Don't Remember by Anna Ternheim
Common Reaction by Uh Huh Her
Say So by Uh Huh Her
and probably more, I just did this really fast while i could. . . I love typing again :)

Strange, but maybe I deserve it; Ex-Girlfriend Syndrome by Charlotte Sometimes

I feel weird. Happy. But not euphoric. Maybe nit even happy but content. Like I'm finally at rest from my emotional turmoils as of late. I hope it lasts, it can't, but I can still hope.

Yet more confused

Huh, i dont feel up or down. . . I just feel kind of . . . Normalish. . . like how I haven't really felt in a long time. . . this bodes well :)

!?(･_･;?

I'm smart. I mean it. It's probably one of my o ly redeeming qualities. The problem is that I'm never smart in the right way. I may have a witty sense of humor, but that's only when I talk, and a lot of the times my jokes just go right over their heads, until I explain it. One example is a double date I went on with a couple of friends. Someone just said something a bout some guy named Craig, so I said, "Hey, doesn't he have a list?". Everyone was just quiet, so I followed with, "I'm just going ti wait for all of you to get that one.". Then went in for a drink of possibly soda, whilst partaking of said beverage, everybody got it at the same time, really it was weird, but hilarious.
There is a problem of being smart and it's that I constantly outsmart myself, that may sound confusing, but basically I just make a lot of stupid decisions because think how it's a good thing to do, and there's no opposition in my thougt train, so I just go along with it. It has caused many a problem. Also I'm definetely getting crazy. Like bipolar crazy again, I can feel it coming on right now and this is nothing like before, usually it's one mood for an hour, then the other for a hour, and nothing at all for 5hrs afterwards. I sucks, but this feels like it's coming in waves, up, down, elated, deflated, multiple times in a short span. Well, we'll see if I self destruct before tomorrow. . . With any luck, anything will happen.

Bonus Blogs

For my millions if adoring fans, I have another blog now. . . It for my random quotes that people like, I guess.

http://mysillysayings.blogspot.com/

Target: Social Status

So, I went to Target recently, hence the above pun, and as I was going to the cashier, I noticed a group of teenagers sitting int the food courtish area. . . You know the ones, the skaters who are all somewhat good looking with that demeanor like, we're cooler than you so just deal with it. Anyways, I immediately thought to cower from this embarrassment, as wearing a polo to a store, even if it's on your way back from work, is ridiculously 'uncool' and brands you as a nerd/lameo. As I was about to leave, I stopped in front of the food court and raised my left leg quite high whilst spinning around, pivoting on my right foot. I looked at the menu for a second to look as if I was contemplating my choice, then I did the same leg spin thingy without looking back, as if to say, "nothing on this menu is good enough to be eaten by me." I walked straight to my dads truck, that I was driving (which is surprisingly impressive in Alaska because even though they can get a learners permit at 14, nobody really gets their liscence until they're 20 or so). I drove off looking as important as I could. Then I almost hit someone's car, I got lost in the confusing parking lot, and ended up finally leavin the establishment's property 20 minutes later, feeling a lot less cool. Im pretty sure it was just social karma, that always seems to get me. It's like the universe is saying, "if you're cool, then you're cool and no one can Everett suspect otherwise, if you're not, then don't because you will almost hit a little old lady with your big white truck, borrowed from your dad.

And Stop! Hammer Time!

Not really, I just noticed that you can do an audience check-thingy and I noticed I've gotten some views from weird places like Malaysia, Paraguay, Thailand, etc. Not to mention from weirdy places throughout the U.S. So I was just wondering how you found my blog. . . If you're willing ti share just comment on this post. . . Sorry to break the 4th wall on you like that. Also, good time to note, I am pretty much doing this whole thing on my iPod with horrible typingness, so if you see a word that doesn't look right, it's probably the autocorrect, if my post is too long I actually cant see what I'm typing, which is why they get worse as they drag on. . . That's all, you can return to your caves now. . .

Music

I freaking love music. It is amazing. I have a somewhat musical background, if u could call it that, but my favorite music is Really weird and diverse. I don't really like specific artists, or genres, I mainly have a weird mixture of songs. So my favorite music right now, in no order after 1-5.

1. Monster by Paramore
I really like and dislike a lot of Paramores music, Hayley Williams has such a great voice and the way she sings this song is awesome. This is one of the very few songs I like because of the lyrics. I usually just like to liste to music as music, but these. Lyrics really connected with me.

2. White Lies and White Lines by Polaroid Kiss
I wouldn't look up this song if you're opposed to hearing the 'f' word. It sucks because I first heard this in 2009 when the guys who sings for this band asked my mom, a radio dj at the time, if she would play it on her show. She did, they only have 4 songs and they just barely released their first official albums. But what sucks is that they changed all of them. This was my favorite song of theirs and they threw in a guitar and drums and totally changed the last verse so now it swears :(. So I liked it before it was bad. But I still love it.

3. In Your Apartment by Charlotte Sometimes
So yes, I do realize what she's singing about, but again, I listen to the music, not the lyrics. I used to be able to just listen to it all without picking uP any of the lyrics, but now I've been attuned to listening to lyrics and it has only made my music listening a worse enjoyable thing. Sorry for the bad grammar.

4. Hell by Tegan and Sara
This song is awesome. I love the feel of it. It reminds me of long bike rides through the various Utah county towns. It really has a roaybkijd of style. I don't think that made much sense but again, I like the music, which is really hard to explain what I like abbot it.

5. Chop Suey by System of a Down
This is a reapply weird song, it's extremely bipolar and really makes you feel the hate and the sorrow in both sides of the song. It is also kind of nostalgic for when I lived in Arizona. The good ol days when I was miserably happy. I was really just bored, but I was fine. I kind of wish I could just go back to then, the last time I was truly whole. Because it was right after this that I was broken.

There's a lot more, I guess I'm in a rock mood right now Whig is why most of the top 5 is rock, bu I like lots of ther genres. I love the songs Rhinestone Eyes, Glitter Freeze, Stylo, and Superfast Jelly fish all by the Gorillaz. I also love Naive, Do You Wanna, Mr. Maker, Ooh La, and Seaside by the Kooks. Seaside is definitely one of their best songs. I'm not sure where they were when they wrote it, but it sounds like a place I want to go. I love the Black Eyed Peas, my mom and her best friend, kanani used to hang out with them when they would do shows in Pheonix before they signed on with EZ Eeze and got Fergie and famous. Band wise, I like Evanescance, I hope that's how it's spelled, they have a really dark sorrowful and unique feel to them, it's great to listen to in the rain. Scissors for Lefty is pretty good if you like the hipster British band thing.

Love; Monster by Paramore

First: I'm starring a new thing where I Put my current favorite song I the title ofthe blog post, if it's not there then it hasn't changed yet.
Real News: I'm winning! I felt so happy and so loved today. I was scared that I was just having an 'up' moment. Turns out I was wrong, it was real, I found it, my happiness. I was afraid I had gone off the deep end, I was worrying that I wouldn't be able to feel the right way anymore. I was either up, down, or not feeling anything. But now I've felt truly happy again. This is good news, the best!

Innocence

Here's my story:
So I went to the temple with my ward last night, and while we were waiting in the foyer there was a little girl, about 4 or so, with her mom, they were going to be sealed. It wasn't really that big of a deal, but the little girls mom got the pair of white sock and told her she needed to put them on, she just replied, "are they comfy?". It wasn't that big of a deal, but it was such a funny thing that as they were about to get sealed for time and all eternity, the little girl was concerned if the socks were going to be comfortable or not. I thought about it and saw how innocent she was, she didnt know the full darkness of the world, so she wasn't able to understand what a blessing it is to k ow that her and her mother will be together forever, regardless of how long they may live. I'm not afraid of death, or anything anymore. If I die, I know what I will do, I won't have to worry about life getting in the way, I don't know anyone who's died, fortunate there, except my uncle, but I didn't know him well. But death isn't really such a bad thing for those willing to serve. I'm not going to die for a LONG time, but I know my family will. And right now, I'm not sealed to any of them, to anybody, if my entire family were to die, I would have no connection to them after this life, but I'm not alone, my mother, my grandmother, my brothers, none of them are sealed to anybody. It makes me sad to see them this way. I know I will have a chance to be sealed to my family, I don't know about them though, hopefully. It's funny how fulfilling a patriarchal blessing is. When people ask me what it is, the only way I can describe it is as a special, unique blessing that tells you what guidance you need to hear. Not just for the moment but throughout your life, I am so grateful for mine and the assurance I have because of it, I would urge anybody reading this to get one, if you're not ready then make yourself ready, I can't imagine the cowardice and fear that would be my entire life if I didn't have it.

P.S. I wanted a better ending to this post because I really like it, but I couldn't come up with one, so just pretend it had a really fulfilling and satisfying conclusion.

Maybe if the shadow were real, I'd have a reason to be afraid

I'm a coward. . . Theres nothing in here right now. . . No skeleton in me. . . Just a structure, upheld by my spirit. . .

:\

I had a cute story to tell, maybe I will when feel up to it.

ポラロイド キース

You can't feel the waves of hurt,
Feeling happy.
On the precipice of hope,
Losing sanity.

In the dead of darkest night,
The beacon blinds me.
In the deserts brightest light,
It shadows over me.

Misconceptions fabled twist,
Stings like a B.
Truth is hidden, finding it,
Might not satisfy me.

In the weekdays corridor,
Faces shining,
I'll wear my mask like not before.
A perfect copy ;)

☆〜（ゝ。∂）The Damned Beware

I've lost so much these past few days. Time, friends, respect, approval, money. . . But I know that for once it's not my fault. My time was stolen from me, my friends left me, my respect for them and theirs for me was never real, my approval of their lives and theirs of mine shouldn't have belonged, my mOney helped somebody that needs it. And because of this I am so happy. I feel like Job, I'm losing so much, and the potential to lose more is there, there's a good chance I'll lose my family, there's a good chance I'll even lose my sanity, but I know that there is nothing right now that I am doing ti deserve this. This is why I am so happy, it's hard to explain, and I know it's not being forced, I earned this happiness, it can't be taken away because it is true joy resonating from my soul. I don't care if I lose everything because I am good, I know who I am and what I am supposed to do and as long as I keep doing it I'll be the happiest man on earth. My whole life has been a trainwreck of failure, mine and others. But now I am fully realized, no one can hurt me more than they have, and I can't hurt myself because I know I am eternally loved, and now I only want others to know they are too. I dont know who reads this, or if anybody does, but know this, whoever you are, you have a Heavenly Father who loves you, and elder brother, a lord and saviour who lives you, and you have me, as well as others who truly love you and will do anything to let you have a chance at being eternally happy. Many will reject this glad message, and their pain will equal mine hereafter because I know how it feels to know you had a chance at being and doing the best and you failed. I don't want anybody to have to feel it, but I can't help everyone, I can't stoP the whole world from turning into a monster. But this won't stop me from helping those I can.

?.

I don't know what's uP anymore. It's too complicated for something to not be legitimately wrong, but I have no idea what could be. Things would be simple if I could just figure it out. It tortures ke and makes me feel alive at the same time. I feel like if I'm not extremely one way then I'm stuck at 0. No matter where I go it's too much or too little. I just need ti find some balance. . .

2 much

Theres just too muchh for me to screw uP today. I'm not sure if I'll get better, I doubt it, but that's fine, I've been too much today, too high, too low, but mostly low. But that's flmy fault, I don't deserve the worlds pity, and I wont take it. My only condolences are my own pain, self-inflicted and preserved. I don't care who I am, but I'll still look for that place on the camera. I don't know why I care so much but for some reason I think it's a better place, I'm sure to be disappointed, and I'll just keep rolling on, causing others problems, not caring, staying selfish, even when I 'help' it's only for myself. . . Whats the point if I'm only going to use you, them, everybody, but I won't quit, or get better, or fall completely, it'll neve stop being this way, in the middle of horrible fluctuations. . . Nothing

Uh-oh

Happy! For no reason! Probably not a good sign but I dont care :)

Lost Peices

I don't know my righteous desires anymore. . .

I think People are defined by what their made of

I couldn't think of a title that didn't sound cheesy or pervertable

So, I figures admitting things always helps, and if I dont do it regularly I end uP havin a meltdown and releasing it all at once, so itmight nit be a long list but here we go:
1. I'm secretly super paranoid about what people think about me, I try to act like I don't and really respect people who dont but I can't seek to stop caring without giving up on a social life.
2. I have a lot of toothaches that are in fact cavities, im good with brushing my teeth now but that's only been since just last year. This explains my new hat for frosting
3. My family is extremely poor, this is why i don't get said cavities fixed, if I told my mom, she'd make me get them fixed and that would cost money nobody has.
4. I write a lot more cheesily then I talk. I think this way though, so I guess I'm just a dramatic thinker.
5.I love music, and therefore love to sing. I'm a terrible singer so my paranoia of people's judgment compels me to never sing, however I sometimes have to. These are times I go on bike rides in the middle of nowhere, or wait until no ones home and still turn up the music so the neighbors don't hear.
6. I have a lot of emotional problems over nothing really. I don't know, I thotht I knew why I was in pain, but then I found out I really don't know anything about it.
7. If inwasnt Mormon, I'd be a complete nihilist. Anyone who's wondering should just google it. I'm very extreme about a lot of things, but I am about my beliefs more than anything, because every decision in your life is decided be your beliefs so I think you'd better know what you believe better than anything else, otherwise how do you really know how you want to live your life?
9. I skipped #8
10. I think I'm funny.
11. I'm really not, nobody gets my jokes, it's probably just because I have a weird sense or humor, I'm just wondering how I got it.
12. If I wasn't Mormon I would go join a gang to learn how to lead a criminal organization, then I would go amass lots of money, and learn to invest it until I have billions of dollars, then buy a set of islands in south America and set up my military bases ther and proceed with world domination. I have thought this over extensively, it would be easier if I had any sort of super power. Like geass, in fact that would make it extremely easy. If I was nihilist then all that would matter is power, so get as much as I can. But I don't really believe that would make me happy, and it would self-destruct me and I couldn't make others happy.
13. I try to make everybody happy. I can't be happy unless everyone else is, this is why everything is my problem and I have to learn how to solve it.
14. I'm not accepting of everyone's beliefs, because I know mine is right, and I can't just sit there and accept that what they are doing is wrong, they just don't know it. I need to help them because I know whether I make it to the celestial kingdom or not, all those people I knew in life had a chance to make it as well and I couldn't bear it if I had a chance to help them and didnt because I was embarrassed or scared.
15. I once wrote a letter to a girl I liked, I realized while writing it that I didn't really like her the way I thought I did, so I didn't deliver it, I later found out that it actually would have been a cool thing to do. I was stupid.
16. I love eminems music.
17. I'm a nerd.
18. I hate 'atheists' because most of the time they are really jut agnostics or nihilists, they just like saying atheist.
19. I'm tired and going to bed, good night me :)

Blerg

So, no really sure what to talk about so I'll just stRt with my day. I was ordained 2nd assistant in my priests quorum, even though I'm only here for a month, but by the sounds of it we'll be doing a lot of recruiting and getting people to come to church. When being ordained we all had really cool blessings. One kid, who was going into the teachers quorum,'s father died when he was a little, he had been told that both his heavenly father and earthly father were both proud of him and his decisions in life. Mine said that I will have a great opportunity to do good while serving in this calling(for one month) and that I will be blessed with the righteous desires of my heart. That part really stuck out to me because I have been asking for a lot of various things lately and it really made me think what was and wasn't a righteous desire. None of them are bad, but that doesn't nessecarily mean they're righteous. I think I will have a chance to bring others to the gospel, this has been one of the major things I have been asking for, mainly just an opportunity to make others happy, and there is truly no better way then by showing them the love of Christ. So I'm nit sure who's reading this, I guess like ten people have viewed it, I think one was from Germany, he was probably disappointed to see the lack of laderhosen in my posts, but seriously, I don't really care who sees. This is mainly so I can look back and see how I have progressed, and o have progressed, I have become so much better since I got here, and I had a crappy week but thTs just because I didn't take a day off and got no sleep whatsoever. . . Except fir today when I slept all day, so now I'm good. Ready to take on the week, which I am and am not looking forward to tomorrow because I got invited to go to village inn with Ryan and his weirdo friends. . . I actually haven't met any if them but I saw them and they don look like the friendliest bunch, also Ryan isn't showing uP until 15 min after everybody else, so I have to spend that time bonding with these weirdos. . . THE END

Finding the Lost Pieces

So today was a random bag of craziness that all started with my serious depression. It hit me at around 3, and stayed and only grew worse as the day went on. There didn't seem to be much reason and I got to he point where I really didn want to do or have anything, I felt like I had a hole in my chest and everything was getting sucked out through it, I came up with a bunch of possible reasons, I miss Utah, I miss my old friends, I miss my new friends, I miss my newer friend, but I didn't want any of that. I didnt know what would help exceptaybe for music, I lOve musIc almost more than anything else, so I liked listening to it, but it didn't help or make me feel better. So then we went to a BBQ at a neighbors house and I was just kind of there, some kids my age started talking to me so I made a couple of jokes that they didn't get for 5 min. Story of my life. Anyways that didn't help, but then they said that the kids were goig to someplace called the mudflats, I didn't know what that was but apparently everybody else knew we were going to be going there. I honestly don't own a pair of shorts so. I ran home to get a pair of my dad's. I went Ito his closet and found a small notebook that had the word 'Legacy' written on the front, and the date 6/8/94, which is my birthday. I opened it and the first page said: "To my son Alex, I hope you and I turn out great in the years to come but I want you to know about my experiences with you, wether or not I stay in your life.". I flipped through and it pretty much spanned my whole life. I was really confused by I didn't read anymore because I figured that he planned on giving it to me on his own time. It's funny because the more we talk and the better I get to know him I realize that oli am exactly like him. I never really knew mydad before this past year even though I lived with him, because he worked all the time and spent his free time with my sisters in their basketball. But I say this because one of the biggest things that has killed me is that he never seriously told me that he loves me. So he's lot like me in the fact that he isn't a good communicator when it comes to speaking but can share everything in writing. I'm better at talking now but he said a lot of things from what I did read that made me see how happy I mdae him when I was little. His life was just a burning cauldron of crazy and he seemed to only find real peace when he could spend more time with me. I've honestly only ever felt more loved once in my life. So I went back and we went to the mud flats and we all got covered on mud and it was awesome. I had so much fun and freaking love th welcomes and their friends. . . So another horribly good day. These really gotta stop.

あかつき

I'm my best right now. Nothing can stop me or hold me back. I am the Beast in the form of a man, powerful and immovable in all I do. This is what I've always wanted to be. I hope I stay because this is true happiness. And anything and everything can only add to it, and all I want to do is share it and help overs to feel the way I do. I don't care who reads this or not because this is to reaffirm myself and my full knowledge and testimony of the truth. If anybody is reading this, just know that here is only one way to true happiness and it IS through Jesus Christ who suffered everything so we could have eternal life and happiness. There is nothing greater than the love of god because any other form of pleasure falls lightyears behind. And don't ever give up on yourself or quit trying to attain this love, because it is the only love freely given to any and all who desire it. This is my belief and I know it is true and am thankful that I was able to find it now and have all of my life to share this and spread the Word of God to all men. THE END

Going back and placing more peices down

So I deleted my last post, it was pretty much my story, the cause of my pain and why I suffer now, but I hated it, well Day Me hated it, he didn't like being exposed. I'm neither right now, this is rare and I mean extremely rare but right now I've named myself Twilight Me because I'm the balance between Day and Night. This is me at my best, happiest and brightest, although both Day Me and Night Me will say the same thing, but its okay, they don't understand how I work. Earlier when I said I'm like liquid being held in a jar/mask, Night Me later realized that it's more like me, the internal me is actually a Beast, a monster always trying to attack and hurt, these masks aren't jars, they're cages, holding back the Beast and hiding him from the world. Eventually, everyone who gets close enough meets this Beast. *removed because of added possible viewers*  ALA wasn't going anywhere and there want anything else to do there so I wanted to go to a public school, then I got kicked out of my dads house so I moved in with my mother in AF. I could have gone back at the end if the summer but my dad and stepmom hurt me too much for me to forgive them at that time. So I left, we stay in touch and I go visit them every few months but we all change so fast that in the year I spent mostly alone, the Beast went wild again, and I found that the Night mask hid him best and I didn't want anyone to see him again to that's how I stayed for a whole year. Then one day early on this school year I met a couple of girls in the library who were just as nerdy and random as me, I knew this was my
last chance for friendship this year so I pulled out the old Day mask and now he's a regular. I got more friends and my groups changed but at least I had people In my life again. But now I'm left mostly alone, all my friends graduated this year so I'm alone agin and I'm afraid I'll just slip on the old Night mask for good. I was talking to someone the other day who really helped me out a lot. I have hope again that maybe someone can tame the Beast. If not then I guess I'll just have to become stronger than it, I'm different, I'm not a mask or a cage, I'm something with the ability to turn my Beast into something better, but I'm made of glass so he's completely exposed, all can see and that scares me. Maybe one day I'll be a man, or something better, and be this person for good, because Twilight doesn't last forever.

First post. Weird, I guess Night Me is fnally back after being suffocated by the never-ending day here in Alaska. It's summer and the sun sets at 11, it never gets night here but after going so long as Day Me, Night burst forth with overwhelming pain, sadness and hate. It's sad that I love it so because Day Me doesn't care, he forgives and he forgets. I think repression but he thinks it's a gift, he'll never learn, he's content, he forgets pain, beauty, love, hate, and sorrow. That's what I'm all about. I see beauty, I feel pain, I love so much, I hate, and my existence is drowned in sorrow. I am a mask. I'm one outward appearance of me inside. My true self is liquid, always swaying about, so random and inable to keep my form, so I have to always wear these masks. In fact they're mor like jars, temporarily holding me so I can interact with someone and they can understand me, but they see the shape of the jar, the mask and they learn to know me for that mask, it's that mask they like, or hate. Day Me, Night Me, they're just masks, two of my most common shapes. But they are so different. If you know Day Me then you probably think I'm random, annoying, obedient, and maybe even funny. If you know Night Me, and few do, Then I'm always in pain, or love, I'm deep, always trying to discover myself inside. My family knows Day Me, they don't understand Night Me so I've hidden myself from them. My friends know Day Me. I have problems, lots of them, I have friends who have problems. My new friends do, the ones I made this school year, my old friends have problems but I've figured them out, and I'm the only one who isn't an idiot and Understands what they're going through. The problem is, my problems are different, unique as far as I can tell. People will think my problems are nothing, an overreaction or just me being a wuss. Im not and I don't expect people who haven't gone through slow, mental abuse to understand how it rips you into pieces. First, you have to know that I only want people to be happy. I wish everyone could just be happy because when anyone else feels pain, I feel it too, I'm extremely empathetic and I hate it because I'm always in the middle, I dint want to displease anyone, it hurts too much.