Screaming

I wish it wOuld help right now. Apathius. しに

Today, I went swimming in a lake. . . During 3rd period.

I had a dentists appointment in Duchesne. I was the 1st done, and my mom and cousin found a 'health and wellness' building, which was relly just a workout and nutrition area. Anyways, I rented a bike there and rode to a lake, where I swam. The End. . . Also I have sucky teeth. . .

Saturday and Sunday

So much to look forward to.

These Daemon Diebus are going to stop.

It's a brand new day, but who's to say this day won't contain demons as well?

Urban dictionary: proof it is occasionally correct

http://www.urbandictionary.com/iphone/#define?term=alex

Multi

Abba told me to find paxón. He said he had tristeza because I did not have it. I said そです。ぼきのパッションわ外です。il a quitté. Triste, non? Nein. It wasn't. I was laetus. Fin.

lux et lacrymosa ex tenebris gaudium

しります。ぼくのかせはしにです。 闇でぼくをきます。

Discontinuous Irrevocability

You suck, ya know that? I think you ignore it but that's fine. . . No, I suck. But that's okay, its just my internally biased opposition of fate or desire. How about I pretend, and then lock the gate shut, and swallow the key. Put the children back in their beds, without my manipulated dead, and just lie down, while the monsters roam free.

Irony

When the most beautiful thing in the world reminds you that you dont need beauty.

Oh.

It's because i think God hates me.

I thnk I'll just go out and pretend its beautiful

Never works

I want something beautiful

I'm not sure what yet.  I don't even think I want it for myself. . . I just want something beautiful that I can help, create or support.

Pho-toes!

Pictures, just stuff I took in Alaska and in Provo, and on the drive from Duchesne
It's out of order. . . and the one with just an orange circle was the moon the night I left Alaska

The

So, you ever imagine what your life would be like, as a criminal, on the run because you punched a guy sitting next to you several times in the face?  Well that's what i did in Sunday school today. . . the imagining, i didn't actually punch the guy sitting next to me in the face. . . .even if i wanted to really bad. . . For some reason today I was super pissed off. . . not sure why, I think it's just the shifty mood stuff considering later i was happy as a clam for no other reason.  Well at least I'm getting help now. . . sort of. . . .it's weird and it may take a while.  But it's progress.  And now I have nothing more to say, so I bid you . . . I can't remember the word, but it means good bye. . .so, um, bye. . .

It's beautiful.

I feel like I finally understand what ティテ クボ meant when he spoke of Espanol.

Payson

For as little I knew and discovered, it really was home. Maybe not while there, but, now that things are better and they're gone. . . I visited my grandmother, my old neighborhood and even my old house. Not so old, I haven't lived there for 3 years, but I was last in there in April. Hm, I didnt get to see everything I wanted, and I made a promise to several people that I would go back sometime. I'm not sure if I can go back, or if I- no, I do want to. Regardless of whos still there. Ugh. . . Life.

I definitely took too much satisfaction from the facebook error message

It just said, "sorry, something went wrong."
It was honest
It was sorry
It took accountability and didn't blame me
It didn't avoid me
It tried fixing the problem
And no one else seems to do these things when it comes to me.

The party

Looking back, I knew a block away from my house that I wouldn't turn out well. I wasn't right for going to it and I should just turn around. Especially after yesterday, but, I wanted to get out and enjoy myself regardless. So I went, after being fir five seconds, I realized that I might actually be okay, I could be fine around Bethany without being bothered about how I felt, or what she did, or is doing. But the others there, the ones I didn't know all fit this, archetype. They were all the same, and Jillian was there, I'm glad I'm finally over that, she was unhealthy. Then Jacob showed up, I Dislike him above mOst people I know, he's just such an arrogant prick. And then, there was the focus of the party. I wondered. . . I knew her best of all, and she didn't surprise at all. But, I surprise myself more than anyone else, and tonight i saw her different. And then I didn't, it was crazy how fast it went away. . . It all went away, and i remembered, I love going back to south Utah county, but, it's hard sometimes. As I drove home, I just. . . Slowly stopped feeling, and then felt more, and then stopped, and these cycles continued. And going home, no, coming back here, I remembered when I actually wanted being here, when I loved comin up north. And I remembered hope, what it felt like, knowing the future is uncertain, but that it can turn out well. And I realized how Lon I've gone without that degree of hope, i still have it, but when it was a raging inferno, it's just a candle, it dies frequently. And I'm not sure how long it will last without something to make it grow. Maybe I'll forget the future, it's always better when I do.

Ugh, music

I love/hate what it does to me. Makes me see me as me after I go through these crazy self-inflicted cycles. It opens me up and closes me back when I need it. But then, I remember, it's just me. It's me doing these things, it's how I interpret the music and I do this to myself, and I love it, because evey bad thing, and every good thing is actually juts me doing it to myself, I may not choose how I'm affected by things, but it really is just me, and when I can learn how to control it, I make myself whatever i want. Now what I want is a whole 'nother dilemma with various philosophical and mental ideologies that I'm not going into here. Bu I'm now okay that for the third time in a row i still haven't gone into intake at wasatch mental health, despite making it ontime, having an appointment, and remembering to brin my Medicaid card. . . maybe one day it'll actually happen. Tomorrow is our next attempt, but I don't have much faith it will turn out the way we intend, that is getting an intake appointment, I honestly don't care what they say at this point, I just want to talk. . . and try to get some measure of help. We'll see, again. . .

I like my grandma

And occasionally I gain a certain respect for her, old and annoying as she may be. At least she remembers my baby blessing, which apparently had a weird bit of info. Makes me feel better though, and worse. It sort of ties in with my patriarchial blessing, but makes me worried about how then, I'm going to have to suffer when I get older. We all do, it's necessary, no matter how good you are, or what you do, it's part of life, we are hurt so we can grow, learn, to push us to better things. I just thought I knew how, but now I wonder. . . I should probably reread my patriarchial blessing. . . it has stuff in it. Now I'm just. . . Weird. Like, Im bored, without the boredom, like I don't feel anything about it. My official appOintment with wasatch mental health is tomorrow. Hope that works out. I thinking just rambling at this point so, um. . . good bye.

I keep finding this lying part of me that rejects beauty and appreciation for this sense of life

I scare myself too much. Maybe it's just because it's coming closer to October, which means Halloween. By far my favorite holiday, it's not the candy, it's the culture, the haunted houses, the, art everywhere and in the smallest ways. It seems everybody get creative for the decoration and flair of it.

The part was fear. It's hard to kill.

The yellow hour before sunset used to be full of precipcial joy

Now it feels like it's holding back everything that comes after it. I forgot I used to like it. Now that I remember, I almost do like it again. . . it seems rather hopeless now. Maybe ill enjoy it again

Tic Tacs

Why am I addicted to them?

I apologize

For anyone who starts reading my blog when 'Schizophrenia' is up. . . it's messed up.  It's from Portal 2.  And i don't know why, but i feel so much from it.  It's freaky though, listen to it for long enough and you'll hear his words. . . eventually i'll post what he is saying. . . or you can just google it. . . if you care enough.

Wrong

I was never right. . . That's a lie, because ibremember being right, being. . . More than I am now. Or maybe, it didn't matter then, but no, they saw it, even then, that's why they always left. Always. Now, I just, cling to the fact that normalcy in any friendship just isn't possible, because even when I find a good normal one, I have to ruin it. No, wait, the friendship was built on a potential foundation to begin with, and, I'm just going to have to snap it. Because it won't hold on it's own for any extended period o time. I'm just going to survive this storm while its raging, then I'll have to do it. I think I'm scared, which is probably why I have to do this, whether or not I have a choice.

I don't want you to have this power

What have you done to earn it?

Not even your eyes can save me from this.

For some reason, I really thought they could.

It makes sense now

But I am weak, which in this case defines my tragic flaw. So I have been commanded, and so shall I do. . . I just hope we can understand what I going to happen tomorrow and why. And I hope you are both thoroughly bothered and understanding, because i failed, so I'm going to leave that alone now. Good bye, whatever existed.

I am so sorry

For displacing my crazy to you. Because I just realized this, today when I was thinking what are my two biggest stressors right now, sadly, the were my two crazies. . . and then I realized it was really only one. . . I had deferred some of the reasoning of it to you, and that's not right because I now feel like I used you to carry the burden of it, and I don't know how to take it away from you now. Like it enjoys it's new home and doesn't wan to leave, so, maybe I'll kill it. It will just reincarnate to something else. . . Hopefully something that doesn't make me do this.

I don't think you realize how those eyes speak to me

They expose that part that sees, the part that hides, and the part that makes me cringe.

How do you break out of this cycle of selfish bastardocity? I really do epitomize the term. Notice when we talk how many times I say I Compared to how much normal people/good people say I. And que epiphany. Wow, I can't really think otherwise, even helping people is just because of the feeling of gratitude I get from others. Its like all I do is eat from them, and, I don't know how to not want to. I can stop, but only for so long before my hunger gets to me. Im not really sure how to want others to feel better if I don't feel better as well, maybe I'm not supposed to. Ugh, I can tell when these self improvements are healthy, or living up to these bizarre expectations the world seems to have for me. I always feel guilty when I don't live up to them, regardless of their kudu racy. And now. . . I'm just in this cycle and every social fiber of my being is screaming at me for fear of people believing this, if you're smart you will, because I'm not writing this for pity, or to get any reply. I'm just. . . Speaking through broken lips and forked tongue.

Hm, the last post was 100, maybe I should've acknowledged it then. . . but then I couldn't use any dalmations reference

Well, learned 'crazy' on the ukulele, I'm working on 'mad world', I felt abandoned and now I'm going to bed. . . So, all in all, it's generally the same. . . Maybe that point was reached several times, recently, the breaking point. . . They say it won't, but it does. It's who I am. Good night.

That's why.

I said that more epiphany-like. It's because I thought it was one way, and since I'd beaten that, I thought I was fine without. Then, I discovered through very unconventional ways that it was not, it was in no way. And now, I'm not sure, I want it, but, I also think I should stick to what I had at first. Im confused. And better now, I definitely triggered a depressive streak yesterday. . . it's gone.

Oh, that's what I do

Let the monsters back in. They know how to tear this into shreds.

Quicksand

"I'm the obsessor, holding your hand.
It seems you have forgotten, about your plan.
Alone in the darkness. . . And I'm in the Quicksand."

Weird when the song lyrics seem to fit, actually I did change one word, but that's because I thought I heard it the way I wrote it first, and It fit more so, it's like that now.

Does that make me crazy?

Any answer will do. As long as one exists. This is too much now.

It hurts, *sigh*, it hurts :\

I just hate, and love, and, want it to stay and want it to end. I have no idea, it hurts to feel this, and, the worst part is that it's real, well, it's not real, but, I'm feeling this for real, with reason, or maybe the feelin is amplified with whatever's up. . . I need to tell this to somebody, but, for once, I can't tell it to anybody. Anybody here, or, there, or, almost anywhere. . . I know where to go. . . I just want now, not like I did before, I kade my decisions without feeling, because I 'knew' they were right, or at least noble in some regards. But now, I want to back out of it, I, feel it now, and I hate that I do. Truth is I created it. And I killed it. And I miss it. And it's not real, but it felt real, and still partially does. Like it's still out there somewhere. Which I guess could make sense if this is some bizarre sequel to the last dream that made me feel this, maybe not the last one, but definitely the first. Maybe, it's real, and maybe I'll find out one day. The more I think of it, the more i realize that maybe it is real, it felt real afterwards last time, and, maybe I'm just seeing a part of them now, years later. Making me feel this. The way they do. I hate my dreams. And right now, it seems they hate me. Or love me. I hope it's the latter and that this is for my benefit, even if it tortures me like this. This way. In. . . Here.

Oh, I get it now

People don't listen > I feel unimportant > I think I don't matter > I don't speak my mind/let myself get taken advantage of > people don't listen > repeat.

Now I'm confused

I just don't know what I am for anymore. . . I just. . . Don't know what I do or don't want. . . Uh, kind of hard to explain without just saying it all, but, Im not sure if I really know what's what. . . things changed in here, and, Im not sure if i now want this, or if inwas right to begin with.

I hate you

I'm talking to my dreams. There's a reason I hate them, and every time I try to assume their good they turn around and bite me in the ass! I hate them so much right now. . .

Dangit

I need to learn to appreciate things when I have them. It always seems that I never want to be wherever I am. In Alaska, I missed Utah, now, I dislike Utah a lot. . . well, I did, and I started thinking when a so I was listening to said, "home is where the heart is, you can find where you belong. . ." yeah, you'd think that would make me think my home is here, because my family's here, well, half of it is. . . but, I don't really think this is where I belong. And I mean that in the sense that it's not where I can be happiest, not in the sense that I should be somewhere else. . . but, I remember the most beautiful place I have ever seen. . . I want it now, I didn't really appreciate where I was when I was there. . . but now, I look back and think, that's the only place I can really imagine me being happy, day or night, rain or shine, regardless if livin there is really feasible. . . I can keep it in my head as a goal. . . to go back there. . . and just, be happy for a while. . . if the world allows, I'm not so sure lately, I can feel it starting. . . something is going to happen this year, I have theis sense of. . . foreboding I don't usually carry, I'm usually such a hopeful person, but, I can tell this is an oncoming tragedy. . . I guess we'll see. . .

Written without sight

The Girl who ran a mile and a half
with mascara wailing down her face,
like an act of banishd light.
Her countenance bears deception in her eyes shamed veil,
a stolen shadow with forebode enhanced.

Why are we lost?
The taken preach this night and day,
and most of the city has joined.
Our Celestial Orb shines down to us,
giving light into our eyes, showing all that is.
Never has night been forever,
so why do the people stop?
Build their kingdoms, but not another's.
If they do not know, how can they see?
By our Head the light is given,
and to our faces, it never ceases to show.
Knowing we are below
The Sun,
The Moon,
The Stars,
  How are we lost?







Truly, we are found.

And just as I predicted. . . I mostly hate the name, but I'm keeping it to see if I hate it more or less of the time, and then just kind of copromise with it. . . so we'll see

New name?

I told you I change, but now it's snowballing. I thought of the names:
The Manipulated Dead
The Living Receiver
Monster
Beast
Mask for ME

And many more that seemed to dark to really fit. . . they may fit to me, but the general consensus would see it as. . . undesireable, and te general consensus is me, later, and later, and how many other times I'm going to change in the blink of an eye. I'm kidding, it doesn't happen that fast, it takes about 4 seconds, count, and that's how fast I can feel booed rushing through my head and activating a new part, with new feeling, the successor in the cycle. It's messed up is what.

Donnie (continued)

I always forget that horrible painting at the end of Donnie Darko. So yeah, for some, more utahy viewers, don't watch it! I can't shield you from the horrible parts of the movie, which sucks because it's such a good one.

Donnie Darko

I love this movie. So much. And am now the proud owner of it. There is so mug this movie is and contains. . . but, everyone seems to, misunderstand it, and, not appreciate it. I think I relate too well. I want this creative release, I want to be able to draw. It would be great, because I constanly have these visions in my head, of sub beauty and intellectthat I can't possibly share through words, or any other outlet. . . I just want this to be normal. . . again, if, I was normal to begin with. . . I'm not sure I was anymore.

Live in the moment

I think that that is. . . Liferendering. . . and, impossible. I don't really see how I can just be. . . uh, normal? I can't think of a better word, but that's not exactly what I mean. I just want. . .nothing again, it was simple, and I didnt need. Hm, I think I'm just tired, the worst part is I can't sleep right >:(. much anger to this I feel. And, good evening, and bye, for this post.

Sometimes I wish I could cry

And sometimeser wish I could die. And others, I wish I couldn't do either of these things. This is one of all of those times. Today, i went crazy. . . to say the least. It was. . . bad, like really bad. First, we got out of Young Men's, and I felt this urge to do something, I didn't k ow what, just, something. . . then I went outside and the clouds were, so beautiful, after sunset, my favorite time of the ever. And I could care less. I just didn't, feel anything, at all. And yet, I felt, everything, at once, which summed up to nothing. And, I wanted to talk, but no one was there, and I didn't want to necessarily talk random crap to anyone, so I went to the side o the building no one was on, and I talked to myself, as j constantly do in my mind. I suck to talk to, I know, I hate it. And I kept talking for 30 minutes, and I knew I was crazy, like legit crazy, because I just, couldn't think of any reason to not do anything. I seemed high to myself. . . it was awful, then, I just didn't want to talk, or do anything, just, do nothing. . . it was great. Then after 10 minutes of that, I had to talk to myself, then I went inside, kind of a stupid decision, I talked to people, one person, a girl I almost went to a dance with who just got pregnant. . . yeah, I was surprisingly funny and cool, way more than usual, which is saying something ;). And I went outside and on. Our way home, of course my mom was jut like "Shut up, you're fine, jut figure out how to control it!". Yeah, lemme tell you, understanding. . . I just now. . . Want/need help. . . I'll be better in the morning, I know. . . That's just, me. . . stupid, crazy ol' me. . .

Ink Blot Fwd:ish; 4 Songs & a Fight by the Sounds

So, my friend Angela did this Ink Blot story thing on her blog.  And me being the poser I am decided to copy her. . . with the exact same ink blot too.  And I had to wait forever because to get the picture of the ink blot I needed to use the computer, and that takes skill. . . acquiring the computer. . . not stealing. . . that's easy. . . ask my lawyer.  So here it is:

There was once a little princess.  She grew up in a castle with a large kingdom, but everybody was always sad.  The princess was too young to know why, but as she grew up she realized it was because the entire world was full of bad people and bad things.  It seemed no one could make it better.  She had to help them, but she didn't know how.  She met a lot of good people, happy people that made her wonder how they were able to be happy when so many others weren't.  Then she started to ask, "If they're so happy, why won't they make others happy?"  It took a while but the princess came to the realization that they didn't want to make everybody happy, they were content with themselves.  This distraught her and she couldn't find relief.  So she left.  She found an absolute that she could hold onto, one that welcomed her with open arms.  She didn't go running into its arms, she let it take her.  The princess then left the whole world behind, she left her kingdom behind, and she left herself behind.  This princess had her mind taken to a place worth living in.  One no one could ruin, but didn't exist.

Sometimes I can bear it

And other times, it sets off this chain reaction of hidden emotion. I just hope it doesn't happen when. . .

*sigh* Full Circle, again

I literally sighed. I just was overcome with an emotionally cycle, I hate those. I was angrier, but just in that part of the cycle, they seem to be happening more often, but they're not the deppressio/mania switch like I was having all summer. Now, its triggered when j feel any stron emotion, then I just go around the wheel and end up back at the start, or stop right before it. . . it's. . . a continual bother, this is why I haven't responded for a couple hours. . . sorry

I think

Too much. It's a problem. Thoughts, go away. Please. You're bugging me.

New name

Actually an old one, probably the oldest I have besides my real one. Hm, why? Because Im changing, I'm always hanging really and my changes are spontaneous and if I changed the blog name every time I did, it would be different every hour. But, this is an over all one, I'm getting better, and so I thought my blog might as well rise with me.

My lover by the sounds

I wanted to post, but I don't really have anything to say. . . so, I just suggest you look up this song, it's good and I love it right now. Today was a bad day, but, I'm recovering, and hopefully, tomorrow will be better. It's supposed to rain Tuesday, so we can't go wrong there. . . yeah, thatll be cool/fun. . .

Please someone, just take it from me

This complication. I have to be the one to see it, but, no one else will look, so I shoulder this alone. And, right now, I just need to stop caring, for right now. But, if I do, I'll get hurt, be blamed and scourged because even if no one acknowledges what I do and who I am, I am at fault when I give, just a little. I think I will right now, just for s little. I just hope the damage is contained. Sorry for not talking right now, this is me breaking through that barrier into madness for a little bit, I'll be back and talk after, I just can't deal right now.

Theres this sense of awe that happens

And I'm happy. That's where my heart is, and, it doesn't accompany any ody else's, because it's unique, and no one can create it, because it's mine. And it will be fulfilled, and I'll be happy. But not for a while. So, I wait, and prepare, for it. Better than love

Someone asked me why I haven't had a girlfriend

I say, because of my parents. It's partially a lie, yes, it was them, up untIl 3 years ago. Then, it was my cowardice, inexperience, and. . . not really wanting to be with any of the girls I liked. Now? It's possible I'm just justifying myself. But, to have a girlfriend, that would mean someone is letting themselves be hurt by me, or giving me that potential, and I don't want to hurt anybody, if someone is going to be hurt then, it will be me. So no, I don't have a girlfriend, not that I don't want one, I just, want other things more, and they are stronger than my desire for any amount of emotional intimacy, because I'm never fully open with someone, I hide, and distract, most of the time when I share personal things, it's to hide other things. I had a therapist, I didn't like him, I guess he was working on my self esteem or something, not the reason I went there, but he seemed to make me his little project. He didn't realize I was jut closed to him, so I came off as timid, or, repressed. He told me to get a girlfriend, I said didn't want one, he tried to get me to. . . conform, or something, but, I just don't want it more than I want keep on the path I'm on now. He didn't understand, I'm glad I left. He was. . . too much of an inverse of my life

Full circle

It seems that no matter where I start on the wheel of huge emotions, I always seem to travel through the whole range and wind back up where I started, I'm lucky, be suede is time, it's happy, and that's good. I went to a wedding, I loved the people there, the reception was great, these people are taking the first step to makin their lives better. I'm so happy for them and hope their example can spread throughout their family as well. Then I got sad, then angry, then. . . something else, then excited, then, just, happy. And, the Sounds are coming to salt lake city on 10/18, most likely I'll be able to go, and despite it also being both my grandmas birthday, and my childhood friends birthday, I want to go with someone newish. Basically, I'm probably gonna ask someone out to that. I don't know who yet, I have like, 5 people in mind, I just, am mostly anxious to ask any of them out, as it would be a huge break in character for me. . . but it must needs come to pass. . . also, new guy, a couple of things, I don't like philosophists, they're mostly idiotic, self-important 'smart' people who think that if it doesn't make sense, or if I can discuss it without looking at any big picture, then it's deep, and you should all bow down to me because I'm smarter/better than you. One reason I think Jacobs a huge douche. And second, where the crap do you people find me? I honestly have no idea how either of you two, stumbled. Was it a blog trail, and if so, why didn't you follow any of the blogs before me? If you did, there would be a trail I could follow back to you, but there's not, it's like, you already knew about it, and just added me randomly. I'm confused, just, one of you tell me.