I suck again

I found out again today that I suck, apparently I'm petty On top of that. Today could have been one of the awesomest days in my life. It wasnt, or I wouldn't be bitching on here. . . I tried figuring out why, then I decided I was selfish, then I decided I didn't care about People, then I decided I'm insane, delusional, and in need of many people to put me away. . . Ugh, life. . . I honestly have no idea, oh wait, yes I do. . . I'm gonna try something tomorrow and if it doesn't work. . . I may do something drastic.

Have fun?

Ya know, I had the idea for the longest time that my happiness lay buried underground, by my own hand some 11 years ago. . .and That I had to dig the dirt away to find it and claim it for my own. . .
Today I realized that's not true. . . 
As I wandered this fine saturday, between heaven and hell, I looked up and saw that elusive euphoric stance soaring through the air, I had discovered that I did not bury it those years ago, but that God had given it flight. . .I then watched my happiness fly away from me, I ran after it, and took notice, vainly, that I did not bear wings.

GRUMBLE

I spent 2 hours today in happy/hell. . . Then i wasn't sure if I was happy/crazy. . . Now I am excited/something. . . figure this one out

Got it

It started before i was 6, exploded then, then it's been. . . suppressed and now after that. . . thing that happened . . .it's been bursting out and attacking me. . . I don't know anymore, and It's just been killing me as of late. . . Damn

Dammit

So simple really, why can't i just write the words like that?!

Carnage. My favorite Super Villian

I felt weird

Then i went back to normal, typical. .  I really just need to learn to not look. . . but then I'd worry. . . blerg. . .

I'm here, just tell me when you're ready.  The rest can do what they will

Maybe they're right

Maybe Dave's right, saying that death might be better than her suffering.
Maybe Angela's right, saying that I did what I could, and you're decisions are your own.
Maybe Sam's right, saying I should just leave.

*censored*

I would have left it at that, but you don't get that I'm denying these claims with the sentence I deleted, it was harsh, but the point is. . . They're not. . . They can't be. . . I don't care if I get hurt by you, I need you to see the light, I  need you to not do this. . . And nobody elses answer is good enough for me. . . You know what I will become, so LISTEN!  Don't do It. . . I know you haven't. . . Just WAKE UP!

I swear to you

I WILL NOT GIVE UP!  AND IF YOU DO ANYTHING I WILL STOP YOU!

Weirdness?

I decided to look up when Paranormal Activity 3 comes out. . . It's today. This was totally unplanned, me and my cousin just saw it on Netflix and decided to watch it, and the third one comes out on the same day? Weird. . . This is making it into the book. . .

Nah

Paranormal Activity 2 is definitely not as scary as the first one. . . So, what do we do? Watch the first one of course :)

Shoot dawg

Perhaps watching one of the scariest movies of your life isn't the best idea at 4 am, especially right after hallucinating. . . Maybe that wasn't the best idea to do either

15 things I absolutely love (and do not hate at all)

So apparently some people think I hate everything, which is not true, im just usually grasping for straws trying to come up with good conversation. . . Well, here it is, in no particular order:

1. Riding bikes through. . . everywhere and anywhere
2. The color Red
3. Reading (I only hate some books, I love reading itself)
4. Music
5. Rain
6. My religion- this extends to all facets of it, as my list would be infinitely long if I wrote every part of it I love, this also extends to everybody associated with it. ie. deity, prophets, etc.
7. Blogs
8. Good humor
9. Mall pretzels, from: Pretzel Time, Pretzel Maker, etc.
10. . . . (ellipses)
11. Beautiful things (true beauty, ie. this pond in Alaska, musical beauty, etc.)
12. My little sister Addison, and my little brothers, (they are the only people I love that I do not, nor have ever hated, or resented in even the most minuscule way)
13. My cool jackets
14. Helping people, even though I'm a door mat, I don't regret it, when people take advantage of me, that's their problem, I'm perfectly happy giving them whatever they need. My one redeeming quality.
15. The Nightmare Before Christmas, (this has been my favorite. Movie since June 1994, it came out on VHS quite shortly after my birth, and I have evidence of me watching it then, I don't want to sound hipster but I did like it way before it became a mild-goth/emo style icon)

Not depressed

P.S. you suck

Disappear by Evanescence

It's when I'm like this that people should be neither afraid nor secure. . . Sometimes, I just want to be fulfilled. . . One day I'll find a way. . . Hopefully. . .

Mask

The second face.
I am not myself.




We're gonna see how this one plays out.
Because something's gotta go.
And I don't want it to be you.

I had so much more I was going to write

But, now I'm just whatever, so. . . whatever. . . Tomorrows the bigish day. . . So I guess we'll probably see then. . . And maybe, oh yeah, i was gonna write about something. . . nope, can't remember, so. . . whatever. . . hm, maybe I'm just berg right now, I was ugh earlier, I like ugh, other people seem to like ugh also, oh, that was part of what I was gonna write, but it's just comin' in pieces, so it's not worth the effort. . . I might get a job, I might pass all my classes this term, I might have to ge high to do it. . . I don't think it's worth it if I do. . . I'd see it as an elaborate form of kind cheating. . . By definition, not by actual intent or action. . . It would take a while to explain it so, I don't really feel like it. . . But. . . Yeah, I sorta cried today. . . But!. . . . . . I have no excuse. . . Damn you children! Ugh, I forgot, Im supposed to stop cursing so much, but, I don't feel like going back and deleting it, that is a lot of effort on an iPod keyboard. . . almost as much effort as and ellipses, but that's worth the effort, a least I think so. . . I'm going now. . . Good bye

Just more ugH

I have this love/hate complex. And. . . It's days where I see sub things and it brings up a lot of his crap. . .

Please, if I'm happy again

Just leave me, before I hurt you. I'd rather you leave me then, rather than when I care.

Oh, it is good. . . It really is good

Wow, it's crazy how really happy I am, it's such a beautiful day outside, I'm running a 5k on Friday, a zombie one, yes. And I'm completely ignoring the fact that my mood is totally not real, an effect of my mood disorders, which I'm getting checked out on Wednesday. Well, I'm just going to enjoy it while it lasts, and hopefully not act likeroo much of a jerk, I dot know why, but when I'm like this, inreally don't give a damn about anyone else. Weird, but, I can't help but care about everybody else the other 99% of the time when I'm miserable, so maybe taking a break is a good thing. Mmmmmm, it's GLaDOs time!

Ugh (possibly part 3)

I believe this is the third ugh. But not entirely sure. So, ive pretty much always identifies myself as my mothers son, not so mug my fathers, not that i disassociate myself with him, it's just, I had the idea that I was born to my mother, rather than to my father, ya get it? Well, I pretty much am my father. . . I've been in denial of it for years, but that only goes for so long. . . I really think the only difference between him, and me in 20 years is that I know more, I'm smarter, and I'm nowhere near as hard of a worker as he is. It honestly boggles my mind how he can go on with the life he has had, not with the pain, but with the constant beatdowns life has given him. He's far from perfect, but I dont know anyone as strong as him in his ability to keep pressin on with all of his strength no matter what hand life deals him, and it's always been a crappy one. As his only son, I obviously have a lot of pressure, from everyone else and especially from myself. . . So this is the cause for many problems in y life, but, I don't know where I would be if I had the ability to give up on myself, despite wherever I am, I can ever help but try to make it better when I can. I'm not the strongest, wisest, or bravest person. But I can see that I can one day become a man that rivals my father, I'm sad to see the life he had to live, bein the person he is, and, I can see how amazing of a life he would have had I'd he had grown up in the right kind of home, but, none of us really did. No one in my family at least, well. . . I guess we'll see where I take this life. . .

Really, my life is sO stupidly simple

Scary thought: if any of you could guess halfway decent, you'd most probably be spot on to what each post is about, even when obscure.
This is what I wrote my last night while in Idaho:

So, this is me on Friday night, in Idaho, I just write this and will post it later.  But, today was good, Lisa came to Utah for the weekend, so we were able to see each other, which was pretty nice.  And after school, I went home and lacked for this Idaho trip, it's a family reunion tomorrow, and I got Portal 2!  It was amazing, I could only play it for like, 20 minutes before I had to go, by that's okay, I rode up here with my sister driving, and it took us 4 hours.  Hm, car rides don't really feel long after we drove from Utah to Alaska, I mean, i realized that four hours had passed, but, I never really got bored, or sick or it.  It was just, simple.  On the way here, me and my sister pretty much spent the whole time sharin our various musics we had acquired since last we met.  She go me more into Adelle, i showed her Lykke Li and Tegan & Sara, which she surprisingly loves both of them now.  And then I got here, to my aunt Teresa's house.  Yeah, my sister's staying at a friends house here in Idaho Falls, well, she's in Idaho Falls, I'm in Rigby, but they're close. . . ish. . . It felt really. . . Kind of oddly comfortable here.  I couldn't stay here for too long, I'd go crazy, but for this night, it's nice. . . We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Figured it out; it's not :)

Well, tonight I went out, bike, but it was really differenter, it was cold, it had snowed in the mountains today and the winds were freezing. I loved it. And I had those flashbacks to something, it feels like Whyoming, but I don think so. . . I remember running, during the winter, there was snow everywhere, and, it was either night, withba full moon, or day, with heavy cloud cover, but I just remember goin through a small town, and then through some fields. . . There were trees separating the town from the fields. . . I don't remember where, when, or much else. . . It was weird because I was happy remembering it. . . And then something else happened, it was, amazing, my awakening. . . It was me waking up and seeing the world through the eyes I keep forgetting. I deme ever the first day i started dreaming, instead of just living, it was 3 years ago, in woke up, didn't see real things, didn't hear real things, didn't do real things that morning as I experienced it. I went into the living room and asked my mom, "is this a dream?". She acknowledged me and left. I scratched up my knuckles on the concrete at school the to see if it was real. . . Then my friends asked why my knuckles were bleeding, I said because I'm trying to wake up. They just asked, "What?". And resumed their lives. So I went along with it. I've woken up maybe five times since then. But everything still feels like a dream. Like I'm disconnected in sub a physical sense, it's impossible to describe to someone. . . I thought I woke up again in August, but Im sure ibwas just high. . . I woke up again with such, realization and elation. . . Now I'm back to normal, things changed and I had to go through the motions of new realization, but I'm still happy, or at least holding onto it, this may be a small delayed depression thing, but I'll last, now.

Oh! I get it now. . . But I'm not really seeing where I missed my chance. . . Oh, maybe there. Dang it.

Today is what yesterday, I said 'would be the perfect day'. And despite the goodness of it, i can seem to enjoy it the way I should or would. . . Maybe I'm just in the wrong place?

Ohmahgoodness

I had a dream or this exact sight! I remember the numbers specifically! The only difference is inthe dream I was unbearably hot and stressed out, while right now i remain chilly and calm. ！(◎_◎;)

It's just blerg

I wish my brain had that weird part that connects feeling to words, if I do, it's probably smallEr than crap, because it always comes out as a completely different word, or a weird made up one. But right now is something, it's not reLly blerg, but I'm not totally sure what it is so whatever. . . N stuff. . .

Noo Moosic; There's a Good Reason These Tables are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Figured It Out Yet, by Panic! @ the Disco

I just updated the playlist at the bottom. . . new musics, old musics, some Tegan & Sara, Everywhere I Go, a couple of Gorillaz, and, something else I forgot. . . i also took out some of the La Roux and Lady Gaga. . .

There it is, this fierce requiem for a lost Phantom of flight and fancy

There is nothing worse than a shattered chandelier.

Ow

Mah heart hurts

It's starting to come back.

Yes! I was siftiglng through old computer files and folders to try to organize myself a bit more, and I found the digital copy of Nightamre Before Christmas, my most favorite movie. I love it, so naturally it went on my iPod in like 6 seconds. And now. . . I dunno, I remember a lot of things, what I love/loved. And I remembered that, I need change, I'm just not the kind of person who can stay with too much routine or regularity all the time and it drives me crazy! Ugh, well, yeah, her, it's crazy, but I thought I had escaped this cycle I'm in, but I guess I can leave it for too long.

Sol

So, when I skip a few days of posting. . . It either means a big change has happened, I'm doing really good, or I'm doing horribly bad. This weekend was conference though, so that was keeping me from blogging a lot. . . That's all, I felt obligated to post something.

Goodnight moon
Goodnight stars
Good ight Christopher Lee's creepy voice