sometimes i hate the parts i like of myself,



 i don't want to be appreciated.
i want to be alone.

So I found on this guy's blog, he posted a sermon from a pastor in Illinois, here it is:
http://www.elmhurstascension.org/media/audio

I'm used to the newest one being at the top so I listened to the first one I saw, and I really like hearing that, I've never heard a sermon from a pastor before, so it was kind of eye-opening.
The best part was I found the perfect talk given in General Conference that explains the unanswered questions in the sermon, now I already knew that, but I think it's really a great thing to read after hearing that:
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1995/04/apostasy-and-restoration?lang=eng

so, just anyone who wants, i think its a great experience.

GAIBSIIVVIFFTTEOM

TS: “Well, what do I think?”

WW: “What do you think, or what do we think?”

TS: “Is there a difference?”

WW: “There’s always a difference.  You may be me, but the fact that we’re talking means we have different intentions.”

TS: “Or, I’m just here to guide you onto the path you already want.”

WW: “Do you think I’d allow that?  I’m not of the character to be convinced.”

TS: “I don’t think you’ll have a choice, that is, as I’ve said, why I’m here.”

WW: “Well then it would seem the position I’m in is already a losing one.  But, I don’t really believe you, and you probably know that already.  I can’t really see you being here without having been prepared.”

TS: “Oh, I don’t need anything I haven’t learned here with you.  I can feel it in the way your heart beats, in every step.  You don’t want her anymore.”

WW: “I love her, and I’m not giving up so easily.”

TS: “With the way she hurt you?”

WW: “That’s not-”

TS: “Her fault?  No, it’s yours, you drove her to that and now her life is suffering.  You’ll leave her, you have to.”

WW: “That’s not the only option.”

TS: “Isn’t it?!  How much longer will you let this drag on?  You’re choices are to end it, or let them rot.”

WW: “. . . I don’t buy it, and I’m not going to force anybody to ruin their life so I can suffer less.”

TS: “Of course you will, that’s what you do, that’s who you are.”

WW: “Look, if I must, then I must.  But until then, I’m not pressing the issue.”

[Later]

“Well, are you going to do it now?”

“It’s not your decision, I still feel the same way.”

“Hmph, love, the only thing it’s done is put you in this position, I say finish it.”

“You say a lot of things, and by the way, how does that even work, given your state?”

I didn't want to come back here.  But I was looking for things, and I guess it felt right to say a few things.  I honestly believe what has happened to me here and elsewhere was to teach me something.  I still don't know what yet, I'm still stressed, I'm still scared, I'm still lonely, but I don't know what I'd be without these things.  I guess I'm coming back here tonight to find what I missed.  When I was so consumed with what I thought I wanted, I ended up missing what I may have needed.  Well, I guess that's it with the vagueness now.  I don't really know who might read this, but despite that. . . I'm flawed. . . maybe broken. . . and I like it that way. . . it's liberating, and beautiful.  And I think that's all I want right now.  Thank You.

There are things I say here because I can't say them where people will hear

Life is hard. I might fail it. Feels like there should be some kinda transition into a hopeful phrase saying how I'm gonna be alright, but that wouldn't really capture what I'm feeling. Not that I'm sad, I'm just stressed, and my natural pessimism and paranoia point my gaze to failure.

It is.

So you ever encounter those things, the person, the song, the whatever, that when you first experience it, or them, it seems like your whole life converging on that one thing. Like the thread that has held it all together, it seems Kirk it has to be, because all of yourself, your past, your present, correlates back to it. I didn't think that as really a thing either.

(~_~;)

Last night,(Saturday night), was Priesthood session of General Conference. It's a time for the men, young and old, to listen to the counsel of the prophet and learn from the Spirit. I was so lonely. I went to a random stake building by my house, I wasn't lonely because I didn't know anybody, I've never actually gone to a local stake for Priesthood sessions before. I was lonely because the one man who should have been there was not. Nothing new, same man who wasn't there for me for a lot of occasions, he had priorities and I never really made the cut, I've dealt with it fine, but for some reason it really hit me, all of it, the pain, the anger, the loss. This wasn't my regular "loneliness", which is usually a variation of boredom, but an actual longing for the fatherhood I never properly had. I'm fine now, I'm just mad at myself for not knowing I still had issues with that.

This song is applicable

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=i9iJNp3wZcI

The blessing/curse of hope/fear

You're traPped in a box and it's dark and stuffy, things are beating on the walls, bad things. Your know you can get out but it's more terrfifying without the walls of of delusion softening the blows. This fear, the pain, the worry, it's all swirling up in your head and if it builds it'll kill you, but if it leaves, there's nothing left in you to keep everything else out. There's crying and a draining inside, pulling everything out but the fear, the worry. Things go faster and spin out of control, not that there was any to begin with. Everything starts closing in and when even though you've been shouting for help, none has arrived, you think you've done everything, you think there's no more. Then. It dies, in a way, you die along with it. There's no relief, there's just an emptiness where everything is washed away, there is no ease, nothing has changed but you, and everything outside the box. It's not until you step outside the box that you feel the warmth of the sun again. Smell the renewal of the ground. You see the trails the bad things left behind and know the safety you've been afforded. You may be angry, you may be happy, you may be grateful or concerned. That doesn't change what happened. Only what happens next. You run/pray. Because nothing that dies stays dead forever.

I had a false dream, a wish with no understanding or hope

It's gone now. I've given it up, there was tOo much unfounded, not to mention I was told to. I should learn to listen sooner. Now I think I can finally get some pain out. A fence, no matter how strong cant hold in everything at once. Night

I'm afraid

Oh my gosh, I'm so afraid. I'm in a corner sitting in the dark. There's so much. Things, simple things that people do naturally, that they run to. It's anxious, terrifying. I'm afraid of not being afraid. I'm afraid if I get over my fears that I'll be stupid and get hurt. That's happened too often, my fear's not unfounded. It's just. . . not healthy.

There are people I want to say 'I love you' to, and there are
People I don't. There are people i should say 'I love you' to and there are people I shouldn't.
My problem is that no one is who they should be.

I really want someone to read this

Sometimes. Right now I do. But, today in Seminary, we were told to write down our life struggles right now, what we're goin through that is trying. And I have no idea what's wrong with me. I couldn't write anything down because there was just too much. There is a LOT going on right now and there's a lot of struggle for the ones I love. But I also don't really mind. It's weird, but I'm actually a lot happier than I've been in a while. I also recognized that despite my attempts to ignore my problems (anxiety, mood, etc) they exist, and for reasons. But I'm also not blaming anyone anymore, it's not my fault, and its not theirs, this just happened because of the way things are. And I'm getting better on my own, as I know I couldn't with 'help'. So, that's good. And I want people to know it.

I was TRYING to post this as a new thread on Cobalt and Calcium, but since i can't, I don't want a night's worth of work to go to waste, I didn't gather much and you may not understand it, but here it is:

 One:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYHFdAV6TTQ&feature=related

So it's kind of old and almost everybody has given up on them, but I'd like to see if we can find anything else out from these random videos Claudio was coming out with in August/November. Here's what I got basicallly:

Here are all the strange series of text in each of the videos (in order):
////:::----€}

////:::--::¥*
////:::--+))••
////:::--^_]]#
////:::--::X}}_
////:::----ll[
////:::--\)(/=
////:::--((•-•))
////:::--[=+=]•
////:::--•((o))•
////:::_))1l:[+)O(+]:l--

Next, in the video 'Five', the sound that is being played is a 200x slowed down version (possibly the original) of the opening to The Willing Well II: Fear Through The Eyes of Madness.

In the video, 'Two', the camera look out the window to see the gas masked man (possibly Epperd at this point) look up and then down. In the video 'Eleven', at the beginning, we see possibly the same scene, but from the masked man's point of view.

The video 'Two' also contains the tune from 'One' as the first layer in a new tune.

Omg! Omfreakin'G!

After 3 years away, I'm finally back to the slopes!!!!
*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

Sad Guilt Tired Night

I'll be no good,
This time defines.
I'll put my torture on the grip of this knife.
These dirty hands just won't come clean.
I'm a murderer,
The worst these worlds will see.
-In the Flame of Error

My grandma moved out today, she went to Whyoming. She left because everyone else here hated her. We had our problems but we solved them a few years ago, we got along really well and I miss her. I feel guilty for her leaving. I tried to get the others to try a bit harder at being more forgiving and understanding, but I didn't try very hard, it was weak. My mom got mad at me for doing so, but I shouldn't have been afraid of it. She's gone, I'm here to deal. . .
Does anyone read this anymore? I want to talk.

This is the bleak,
the running crying freak.
Forlong'd tOkens of broken ambition.
In the willing well for those who die wishin'.
So brush up this time for the lost and the vain.
Create, in the image of his fallen state.

Hail to the breakers,
Clawing their binds alone.
Hail to the makers,
Weaving words from song.

With the do-do's and da-da's,
A new world emerges.
From a broken cusp,
Rises actions and urges.
Selling your face on the wall,
Proving the loss and the fall.

Hail to the Wise Dead,
Havign played right their part.
Hail to Fool's Head,
Having wished with their heart.

Joking rhymers scheme and smirk.
Fighting thrivers are put hard to work.

In this dark'ning age,
Full of truth and rage,
Searching night and day,
For the wronger way.
With this heart of death,
They will see no breath.
And may summon us,
For their dying trust.

I'm in falling, fly.

Pangs of loneliness

Pain is a lie. I just gotta keep reminding myself I'm happier this way. Gotta keep convincing myself.

I'm merely asking you to help me

When did I say to murder me?!

I was about to say I don't know any smart men, like in person.

Then i realized I don't know any smart women, so, there's that.

Feliz seria que hora

Courage to do what you know is right.

Those who find ugly meanings in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming. This is a fault.
-Oscar Wilde

What the hell do I want?

I can't think of anything to make it better

What ravages of Spirit conjures up this temptuous rage, crated you a monster broken by the bonds of live

I have the sense to recognize that I dont know how to let you go

So sad again

Nihilus et nihilus

Love is dead.

It's shell lies empty
A forsaken frame of unwanted indulgence
There is no fury in these bones
That once wept with broken marrow
That shattered under the pressure of unequivocated passion.

Love is dead
There is no home for the broke and weary
No solace for the spilt
The halls of forlonged exposure echo
With the footsteps of the damned.

There is a resurrection.

My Parents are getting a divorce

Also, I got these new headphones, they're 'Wicked Little Buds.'. They are THE bet pair I've eve had

It's too late to find another way, sweet Josephine will you follow me home

Seems like everybody's crap started in junior high, at least, that's what they say, seems like it was a rough time for a lot of people, so where was I? I was cradled, happy, protected from all that . . . business. I think instead of gOing troughs the 'normal' troubles of junior high, I was stuck with my own. . . What would I call it? Melancholy, maybe? Well, I'm grateful for that. Philosophy, my new teacher told me, in a nice way, I was looking for problems just to look for problems. He was right, I recognize I'm pretty critical, but I'm fine with that, I'm not too vocal about it unless I can prove any of my ideas. Right now, the really a struggle for me to stay this. . . normalish right now, I'm really being Pulled back into where I've been the past few days. I actually feel really bad because I kinda freaked out on my cousin lat night at Maceys. I didn't notice but my mom said she was really worried by it. When she said it I got furious again, I hate hate hate when people are afraid of me. Probably ironically I get super pissed by it. I shouldn't be feared, I'm the one afraid. I'm also worried because I've been getting closer and closer to my breaking point. Moving back to Alaska, I keep telling myself it's only one more semester of High School, but it seems like the closer it gets, the harder it is to stay. It's not that bad all the time, but I've gotten close to leaving a couple times now. . . My cousins going to East Shore now, it's an independent study school, so I just see her at home. That's okay, we figured out soon after she moved in that we need to keep our distance at times. I started hanging out with Lisa now that she's moved back, well, I've gone to her house twice, once for Kayelee's Minecraft party, so I guess we've only really hung out once since she got back. I don't want to go now, but i really should, I've just been rambling the whole time. . . Bye then

Because tonight, the night I'm burning star IV

Well, 2 posts ago was my 200th post. Sort of an accomplishment. I'm urgently obsessed with Coheed and Cambria, I got two of their albums, The Second Stage Turbine Blade, and, Good Apollo I'm Burning Star IV Volume One: From Fear Through the Eyes Of Madness. When I get my tax return next month, I'm getting their other 3 albums. . . Excited.

I wrote this whilst riding my bike

My dad asked, "why would you have problems?"
I ask my self the same things constantly, and most of the time I can't come up with any reasonable answer.  

Then i remember where I've been.  My motto recently has been don't look back, because there's only longing and hurt there.  I think that's only made things worse.  Tonight I finally went back, like, literally, I rode my bike the few miles into Orem and went to all four of the places I've lived, and i remembered a lot.  So, now, I ask why aren't I messed up, I'm honestly amazed I'm this well off, I've gone through crazy shit.

It's also strange, when I remember people don't know me either.  They haven't been to the places I have, so, there's this expectancy for me to operate like they do.  There's no placating my envy at their childhoods, but theirs no taking away mine either, so I'm at the catholic school right now, it's  8:37 when I'm writing this, I'm sitting in the parking lot of the huge school I remember always driving by as a kid.  I drove by it when I went to the Yellow House, when I went to the Anderson's, when I went to my grandmother's.  It's weird because whenever I told my mom about it she always asked what I was talking about.  I guess she never noticed it, but I'm glad, it solidifies my connection with this place.

Holy crap, I went back to the house I live in when I was 8.  That place had the least amount of problems, I think I was really happy there.  There wasn't a lot of pain, or things happening at all.   There was competition and, wait, nope I just remembered it.  Yeah, shit there too.  That one was scary.

I went to the next house now, there was a lot of happiness there, probably the most, I wanted to walk in the door and go to my room and fall asleep.  There's a lot I want to do.

Yeah, I need to do something with all this, but I just want to be here really, there are things happening, or not, idk.

All the gold, and the guns, and the girls couldn't get you off

One by one by one by one and so on. . . There is one in infinite dimensions. Doesn't seem right, doesn't it? Whatever. I am so. . . Something right now, it's probably not good, definitely not the best, but, I might be happy right now. . . Which is also weird. No, that's not right, I'm so tired and confused. . . Point in case, I. . . Uh, dunno. . . Ah, there's this new weird part in me right now that both wants and hates something else, I'm trying to figure out what it is but, its seemingly random. You guys, stay fresh, stay delicious, I'll post again when I have something half coherent to say.

This is why I don't like therapists

I just found out I do not have a bad self esteem. I just kinda thought I did, no, I'm just very, very realistic, and crazily expectant of the future. I recognize the reality of who I am and what I do, but I have insane expectations of myself and the future, I blame my parents for that but whatever, point is, since I can never live up to the expectations of myself, I think I'm terrible, well for a second, or maybe longer or whatever. But the fact that I am this well off with disappointment literally being my life is kind of amazing. So, there. Point is: I know I'm good and bad, I dont need other people tellin me, I actually get offended when they do, especially for no reason! It pisses me off! Because I know it's pity and I hate that! Ugh, if you care, then say what is really happening, anything other than the truth is a pod of shit and I'm tired of taking it from people. If you need to say you hate me, think I'm boring or a bad friend then say it, I'd rather know where I stand then listen as you shovel bullshit it my ears. Done! Alex out!

Let's start this while I feel epitomized

The boy: fierce, needing, burdened, insane. Like madness with a bane, he strides for the fight, he's a reacher, grabbing and tearing for the covetous findings of this wayward obelisk.
There is no love but for the girl.

The girl: small, slick in word and serene in post, she forces herself into your skull, with a greeting she'll take you from your home and into a world of sick fascination. There is not escape, eyes black, the resonance of which escape her mouth to find, target, convince, and destroy their opposable victims. There is no love but for the boy.

The third eye: ever-knowing and affecting. He is where it is and where the goat takes its fur. With the mouth of a shaman, the skill of a sentinel, and the skin of the deepest earth, he dashes into it all, he stops it, he starts it, and it never resides with him because he. Is. What. We. Love/Hate in our aspirations and our fantasies. There is no love but for the others.

Me: There is no love but for myself.

Last night, I couldn't fal asleep

And around 3am, I realized a lot of things, kinda like being high, but these were more realistic epiphanies. I wrote it all down on my arm in sharpie so i'd remember this morning, and then my mom saw it and asked me about it, and since she's crazy she wouldn't stop pestering me about it until I showed her, and then she just. . . I don't know, it was weird and I was tired so I don't remember much. And I think I'm mad about it, but I don't know. . . Whatever.

Current Moosik Playlist

Mercernary by Panic! at the Disco
Nine in the Afternoon covered by Vitamin String Quartet
Phantom of the Opera covered by Vitamin String Quartet
All my Life by Foo Fighters
The Diary of Jane by Breaking Benjamin
There's a Good Reason These Tables are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Figured it Out Yet covered by VST
Under My Thumb by The Rolling Stones
Take me Out by Franz Ferdinand
Heavy in Your Arms covered by Vitamin String Quartet
Set Fire to the Rain covered by Vitamin String Quartet
I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace
Telephone by Lady Gaga
Speechless by Lady Gaga
Monster by Lady Gaga
Dance in the Dark by Lady Gaga
Ring-A-Ling by Black Eyed Peas
Out of My Head by Black Eyed Peas
Boom Boom Pow (Introductory Version) by Black Eyed Peas
Crack a Bottle by Eminem
Up all Night by Drake
Fireworks by Drake
Ghosts N Stuff by DeadMau5
Helena Beat by Foster the People
Dead Man's Party by Oingo Boingo
Heavy in Your Arms by Florence + the Machine
Eclipse (All Yours) by Metric
Under the Sheets by Ellie Goulding
This Love (Will Be Your Downfall) by Ellie Goulding
Starry Eyed by Ellie Goulding
505 by Arctic Monkeys
Brianstorm by Arctic Monkeys
Balaclava by Arctic Monkeys
Like O, Like H by Tegan & Sara
Dark Come Soon by Tegan & Sara
The Con by Tegan & Sara
Call it Off by Tegan & Sara
Hell by Tegan & Sara
Don't Rush by Tegan & Sara
What I've Become by Ashlee Simpson
Boys by Ashlee Simpson
Rock Your Body by Justin Timberlake
Anxiety by Black Eyed Peas
Little Bit by Lykke Li
Hanging High by Lykke Li
Dance With the Devil by The Sounds
Feel Good Drag by Anberlin
Set Fire to the Rain by Adele
Little Bit by Lykke Li feat. Drake
Season Song  by Blue States
On the Floor by Spitalfield
Edge of Seventeen covered by Diamante
White Lies & White Lines by Polaroid Kiss
Love in Transition by Polaroid Kiss

The End. . . for now