I think

Too much. It's a problem. Thoughts, go away. Please. You're bugging me.

New name

Actually an old one, probably the oldest I have besides my real one. Hm, why? Because Im changing, I'm always hanging really and my changes are spontaneous and if I changed the blog name every time I did, it would be different every hour. But, this is an over all one, I'm getting better, and so I thought my blog might as well rise with me.

My lover by the sounds

I wanted to post, but I don't really have anything to say. . . so, I just suggest you look up this song, it's good and I love it right now. Today was a bad day, but, I'm recovering, and hopefully, tomorrow will be better. It's supposed to rain Tuesday, so we can't go wrong there. . . yeah, thatll be cool/fun. . .

Please someone, just take it from me

This complication. I have to be the one to see it, but, no one else will look, so I shoulder this alone. And, right now, I just need to stop caring, for right now. But, if I do, I'll get hurt, be blamed and scourged because even if no one acknowledges what I do and who I am, I am at fault when I give, just a little. I think I will right now, just for s little. I just hope the damage is contained. Sorry for not talking right now, this is me breaking through that barrier into madness for a little bit, I'll be back and talk after, I just can't deal right now.

Theres this sense of awe that happens

And I'm happy. That's where my heart is, and, it doesn't accompany any ody else's, because it's unique, and no one can create it, because it's mine. And it will be fulfilled, and I'll be happy. But not for a while. So, I wait, and prepare, for it. Better than love

Someone asked me why I haven't had a girlfriend

I say, because of my parents. It's partially a lie, yes, it was them, up untIl 3 years ago. Then, it was my cowardice, inexperience, and. . . not really wanting to be with any of the girls I liked. Now? It's possible I'm just justifying myself. But, to have a girlfriend, that would mean someone is letting themselves be hurt by me, or giving me that potential, and I don't want to hurt anybody, if someone is going to be hurt then, it will be me. So no, I don't have a girlfriend, not that I don't want one, I just, want other things more, and they are stronger than my desire for any amount of emotional intimacy, because I'm never fully open with someone, I hide, and distract, most of the time when I share personal things, it's to hide other things. I had a therapist, I didn't like him, I guess he was working on my self esteem or something, not the reason I went there, but he seemed to make me his little project. He didn't realize I was jut closed to him, so I came off as timid, or, repressed. He told me to get a girlfriend, I said didn't want one, he tried to get me to. . . conform, or something, but, I just don't want it more than I want keep on the path I'm on now. He didn't understand, I'm glad I left. He was. . . too much of an inverse of my life

Full circle

It seems that no matter where I start on the wheel of huge emotions, I always seem to travel through the whole range and wind back up where I started, I'm lucky, be suede is time, it's happy, and that's good. I went to a wedding, I loved the people there, the reception was great, these people are taking the first step to makin their lives better. I'm so happy for them and hope their example can spread throughout their family as well. Then I got sad, then angry, then. . . something else, then excited, then, just, happy. And, the Sounds are coming to salt lake city on 10/18, most likely I'll be able to go, and despite it also being both my grandmas birthday, and my childhood friends birthday, I want to go with someone newish. Basically, I'm probably gonna ask someone out to that. I don't know who yet, I have like, 5 people in mind, I just, am mostly anxious to ask any of them out, as it would be a huge break in character for me. . . but it must needs come to pass. . . also, new guy, a couple of things, I don't like philosophists, they're mostly idiotic, self-important 'smart' people who think that if it doesn't make sense, or if I can discuss it without looking at any big picture, then it's deep, and you should all bow down to me because I'm smarter/better than you. One reason I think Jacobs a huge douche. And second, where the crap do you people find me? I honestly have no idea how either of you two, stumbled. Was it a blog trail, and if so, why didn't you follow any of the blogs before me? If you did, there would be a trail I could follow back to you, but there's not, it's like, you already knew about it, and just added me randomly. I'm confused, just, one of you tell me.