The Test.

It's a glass bottle.
A hollow jewel,
a treasonous secret
to have loved and
then "loved".

I watched the blood drain out his heart and in it's absence I took another.

"It's alright."  I lie to myself.

Playing with love is like jumping rope without knees.

Every time
              I get up
                     I'm doomed
                                                                                                                                               to
                                                                                                                                                 fail.

And just as I think I've learned my lesson,
 a shiny new toy catches my gaze.
















Breathe.















Take in the Armagnac of their body.
                                                                                                       



                                                                                                         Absorb the champagne of their soul.






           Let fate take the reigns and crash through your home to theirs.





                                                                                        Then let the game begin.









"You don't truly want them do you?"



















                                                         




                                                        "You want them to want you."

I got a cat.

I'm a terrible person.  I've been pretty lonely lately, and I didn't see any way of changing that... at least, no way I wanted to commit to.  So I got a cat.  I knew from the moment I adopted him that I couldn't keep him.  He was so miserable at the shelter, he would hiss at everybody who tried picking him up.  But not me.. and I guess that's what I was looking for... I don't know what it would be called, exclusivity, perhaps?  It doesn't seem right.  I wanted him because he wanted me, I took him home, and he's so wild, he only wants attention and love.  But I can't give that to him.  And I hate myself for putting him through this.  He's been taken back to the shelter several times, and every time he has to get his vaccinations, and the volunteers treat him like any other animal, when he just wants to be loved.  And I owe him that, really.

I spent too much money on the cat.  I am broke, with $15 of gas in my car and over a week until I get paid.  Hopefully the shelter will refund me at least SOME of the adoption fees.  They were a lot, and I do need the money.  I hate myself for doing this.  I never named him... At least, never called him by his name.  It took me a long time but I finally got one I liked, one that suited him.  But I knew he was going back so I never said it.
My grandmother died this morning.  That might be putting it bluntly, but I always find it upsetting that whenever people deliver the news, they avoid the word death.  I've always said it should be said, that by avoiding it, we're really only allowing ourselves a sense of distance from the event, which can enable denial.  I didn't know it would be so hard to say.  I am glad, there was never better timing for her to die.  She had run out of funds, I went with my dad to visit all of his siblings a couple weeks ago so they could discuss how she could be supported, and the conclusion was that we had no idea how she would be.  So I'm sure she's glad she died before she became that much of a burden to her family.  I'm going to miss her.  She lived with us until I moved out of my dad's house when I was fourteen.  And I definitely didn't visit as often as I should have.  I can forgive myself for that, I wasn't that close to her in recent years so I'm not too distraught at her death.  But I wonder if I should be.

Post Title

There's never a point where you move on.  It seems there's just a general progression to wherever you intend.  I don't know if anyone's followed through this that I've gone through but I'm not sure where now I've ended up.  I once knew a person who claimed to not want to be "used" by anyone, even accused me of using this person.  I felt guilty at first, and then confused, after all, how could I not use this person?  I mean, what is "using" here?  I would think it would be to interact with said person on a such a level as to accomplish some sort of goal or complete a task with this person.  In which case I'm not entirely sure is at all avoidable.  I think the question here is more about our effect on another person rather than the act of "using".  If I think you're cute and flirt with you, without obvious sinister or harmful intention, is there wrong?  If you're effected negatively, am I still responsible?  I don't have a solid answer for this yet, I think it would depend on situation.  But if situations of "using" without consent of the parties "used" and without malicious intent of the parties "using" do arise, communication is the best option as always.  Any harm or awkwardness in situations such as these have always been caused by a lack of understanding with one or both of the parties.  Communication, in this situation, can require a bit of courage, I can't deny that.  But then, without the proper attempts at reconciliation, can anyone be held to blame but the person who refuses to communicate?  I don't discuss these things to levy out blame on anyone.  I just want to discover what I need to change in myself, I can't stand the guilt I have over everything, and it seems like every time I overcome something, I find something else wrong.  Change is hard, giving up things is hard.  And I don't know if I can do it, but I know I have to try, for more than myself.  For less than myself really. -_-

sometimes i hate the parts i like of myself,



 i don't want to be appreciated.
i want to be alone.

So I found on this guy's blog, he posted a sermon from a pastor in Illinois, here it is:
http://www.elmhurstascension.org/media/audio

I'm used to the newest one being at the top so I listened to the first one I saw, and I really like hearing that, I've never heard a sermon from a pastor before, so it was kind of eye-opening.
The best part was I found the perfect talk given in General Conference that explains the unanswered questions in the sermon, now I already knew that, but I think it's really a great thing to read after hearing that:
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1995/04/apostasy-and-restoration?lang=eng

so, just anyone who wants, i think its a great experience.

GAIBSIIVVIFFTTEOM

TS: “Well, what do I think?”

WW: “What do you think, or what do we think?”

TS: “Is there a difference?”

WW: “There’s always a difference.  You may be me, but the fact that we’re talking means we have different intentions.”

TS: “Or, I’m just here to guide you onto the path you already want.”

WW: “Do you think I’d allow that?  I’m not of the character to be convinced.”

TS: “I don’t think you’ll have a choice, that is, as I’ve said, why I’m here.”

WW: “Well then it would seem the position I’m in is already a losing one.  But, I don’t really believe you, and you probably know that already.  I can’t really see you being here without having been prepared.”

TS: “Oh, I don’t need anything I haven’t learned here with you.  I can feel it in the way your heart beats, in every step.  You don’t want her anymore.”

WW: “I love her, and I’m not giving up so easily.”

TS: “With the way she hurt you?”

WW: “That’s not-”

TS: “Her fault?  No, it’s yours, you drove her to that and now her life is suffering.  You’ll leave her, you have to.”

WW: “That’s not the only option.”

TS: “Isn’t it?!  How much longer will you let this drag on?  You’re choices are to end it, or let them rot.”

WW: “. . . I don’t buy it, and I’m not going to force anybody to ruin their life so I can suffer less.”

TS: “Of course you will, that’s what you do, that’s who you are.”

WW: “Look, if I must, then I must.  But until then, I’m not pressing the issue.”

[Later]

“Well, are you going to do it now?”

“It’s not your decision, I still feel the same way.”

“Hmph, love, the only thing it’s done is put you in this position, I say finish it.”

“You say a lot of things, and by the way, how does that even work, given your state?”

I didn't want to come back here.  But I was looking for things, and I guess it felt right to say a few things.  I honestly believe what has happened to me here and elsewhere was to teach me something.  I still don't know what yet, I'm still stressed, I'm still scared, I'm still lonely, but I don't know what I'd be without these things.  I guess I'm coming back here tonight to find what I missed.  When I was so consumed with what I thought I wanted, I ended up missing what I may have needed.  Well, I guess that's it with the vagueness now.  I don't really know who might read this, but despite that. . . I'm flawed. . . maybe broken. . . and I like it that way. . . it's liberating, and beautiful.  And I think that's all I want right now.  Thank You.

There are things I say here because I can't say them where people will hear

Life is hard. I might fail it. Feels like there should be some kinda transition into a hopeful phrase saying how I'm gonna be alright, but that wouldn't really capture what I'm feeling. Not that I'm sad, I'm just stressed, and my natural pessimism and paranoia point my gaze to failure.

It is.

So you ever encounter those things, the person, the song, the whatever, that when you first experience it, or them, it seems like your whole life converging on that one thing. Like the thread that has held it all together, it seems Kirk it has to be, because all of yourself, your past, your present, correlates back to it. I didn't think that as really a thing either.

(~_~;)

Last night,(Saturday night), was Priesthood session of General Conference. It's a time for the men, young and old, to listen to the counsel of the prophet and learn from the Spirit. I was so lonely. I went to a random stake building by my house, I wasn't lonely because I didn't know anybody, I've never actually gone to a local stake for Priesthood sessions before. I was lonely because the one man who should have been there was not. Nothing new, same man who wasn't there for me for a lot of occasions, he had priorities and I never really made the cut, I've dealt with it fine, but for some reason it really hit me, all of it, the pain, the anger, the loss. This wasn't my regular "loneliness", which is usually a variation of boredom, but an actual longing for the fatherhood I never properly had. I'm fine now, I'm just mad at myself for not knowing I still had issues with that.

This song is applicable

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=i9iJNp3wZcI

The blessing/curse of hope/fear

You're traPped in a box and it's dark and stuffy, things are beating on the walls, bad things. Your know you can get out but it's more terrfifying without the walls of of delusion softening the blows. This fear, the pain, the worry, it's all swirling up in your head and if it builds it'll kill you, but if it leaves, there's nothing left in you to keep everything else out. There's crying and a draining inside, pulling everything out but the fear, the worry. Things go faster and spin out of control, not that there was any to begin with. Everything starts closing in and when even though you've been shouting for help, none has arrived, you think you've done everything, you think there's no more. Then. It dies, in a way, you die along with it. There's no relief, there's just an emptiness where everything is washed away, there is no ease, nothing has changed but you, and everything outside the box. It's not until you step outside the box that you feel the warmth of the sun again. Smell the renewal of the ground. You see the trails the bad things left behind and know the safety you've been afforded. You may be angry, you may be happy, you may be grateful or concerned. That doesn't change what happened. Only what happens next. You run/pray. Because nothing that dies stays dead forever.

I had a false dream, a wish with no understanding or hope

It's gone now. I've given it up, there was tOo much unfounded, not to mention I was told to. I should learn to listen sooner. Now I think I can finally get some pain out. A fence, no matter how strong cant hold in everything at once. Night

I'm afraid

Oh my gosh, I'm so afraid. I'm in a corner sitting in the dark. There's so much. Things, simple things that people do naturally, that they run to. It's anxious, terrifying. I'm afraid of not being afraid. I'm afraid if I get over my fears that I'll be stupid and get hurt. That's happened too often, my fear's not unfounded. It's just. . . not healthy.

There are people I want to say 'I love you' to, and there are
People I don't. There are people i should say 'I love you' to and there are people I shouldn't.
My problem is that no one is who they should be.

I really want someone to read this

Sometimes. Right now I do. But, today in Seminary, we were told to write down our life struggles right now, what we're goin through that is trying. And I have no idea what's wrong with me. I couldn't write anything down because there was just too much. There is a LOT going on right now and there's a lot of struggle for the ones I love. But I also don't really mind. It's weird, but I'm actually a lot happier than I've been in a while. I also recognized that despite my attempts to ignore my problems (anxiety, mood, etc) they exist, and for reasons. But I'm also not blaming anyone anymore, it's not my fault, and its not theirs, this just happened because of the way things are. And I'm getting better on my own, as I know I couldn't with 'help'. So, that's good. And I want people to know it.

I was TRYING to post this as a new thread on Cobalt and Calcium, but since i can't, I don't want a night's worth of work to go to waste, I didn't gather much and you may not understand it, but here it is:

 One:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYHFdAV6TTQ&feature=related

So it's kind of old and almost everybody has given up on them, but I'd like to see if we can find anything else out from these random videos Claudio was coming out with in August/November. Here's what I got basicallly:

Here are all the strange series of text in each of the videos (in order):
////:::----€}

////:::--::¥*
////:::--+))••
////:::--^_]]#
////:::--::X}}_
////:::----ll[
////:::--\)(/=
////:::--((•-•))
////:::--[=+=]•
////:::--•((o))•
////:::_))1l:[+)O(+]:l--

Next, in the video 'Five', the sound that is being played is a 200x slowed down version (possibly the original) of the opening to The Willing Well II: Fear Through The Eyes of Madness.

In the video, 'Two', the camera look out the window to see the gas masked man (possibly Epperd at this point) look up and then down. In the video 'Eleven', at the beginning, we see possibly the same scene, but from the masked man's point of view.

The video 'Two' also contains the tune from 'One' as the first layer in a new tune.

Omg! Omfreakin'G!

After 3 years away, I'm finally back to the slopes!!!!
*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

Sad Guilt Tired Night

I'll be no good,
This time defines.
I'll put my torture on the grip of this knife.
These dirty hands just won't come clean.
I'm a murderer,
The worst these worlds will see.
-In the Flame of Error

My grandma moved out today, she went to Whyoming. She left because everyone else here hated her. We had our problems but we solved them a few years ago, we got along really well and I miss her. I feel guilty for her leaving. I tried to get the others to try a bit harder at being more forgiving and understanding, but I didn't try very hard, it was weak. My mom got mad at me for doing so, but I shouldn't have been afraid of it. She's gone, I'm here to deal. . .
Does anyone read this anymore? I want to talk.

This is the bleak,
the running crying freak.
Forlong'd tOkens of broken ambition.
In the willing well for those who die wishin'.
So brush up this time for the lost and the vain.
Create, in the image of his fallen state.

Hail to the breakers,
Clawing their binds alone.
Hail to the makers,
Weaving words from song.

With the do-do's and da-da's,
A new world emerges.
From a broken cusp,
Rises actions and urges.
Selling your face on the wall,
Proving the loss and the fall.

Hail to the Wise Dead,
Havign played right their part.
Hail to Fool's Head,
Having wished with their heart.

Joking rhymers scheme and smirk.
Fighting thrivers are put hard to work.

In this dark'ning age,
Full of truth and rage,
Searching night and day,
For the wronger way.
With this heart of death,
They will see no breath.
And may summon us,
For their dying trust.

I'm in falling, fly.