(~_~;)

Last night,(Saturday night), was Priesthood session of General Conference. It's a time for the men, young and old, to listen to the counsel of the prophet and learn from the Spirit. I was so lonely. I went to a random stake building by my house, I wasn't lonely because I didn't know anybody, I've never actually gone to a local stake for Priesthood sessions before. I was lonely because the one man who should have been there was not. Nothing new, same man who wasn't there for me for a lot of occasions, he had priorities and I never really made the cut, I've dealt with it fine, but for some reason it really hit me, all of it, the pain, the anger, the loss. This wasn't my regular "loneliness", which is usually a variation of boredom, but an actual longing for the fatherhood I never properly had. I'm fine now, I'm just mad at myself for not knowing I still had issues with that.

This song is applicable

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=i9iJNp3wZcI

The blessing/curse of hope/fear

You're traPped in a box and it's dark and stuffy, things are beating on the walls, bad things. Your know you can get out but it's more terrfifying without the walls of of delusion softening the blows. This fear, the pain, the worry, it's all swirling up in your head and if it builds it'll kill you, but if it leaves, there's nothing left in you to keep everything else out. There's crying and a draining inside, pulling everything out but the fear, the worry. Things go faster and spin out of control, not that there was any to begin with. Everything starts closing in and when even though you've been shouting for help, none has arrived, you think you've done everything, you think there's no more. Then. It dies, in a way, you die along with it. There's no relief, there's just an emptiness where everything is washed away, there is no ease, nothing has changed but you, and everything outside the box. It's not until you step outside the box that you feel the warmth of the sun again. Smell the renewal of the ground. You see the trails the bad things left behind and know the safety you've been afforded. You may be angry, you may be happy, you may be grateful or concerned. That doesn't change what happened. Only what happens next. You run/pray. Because nothing that dies stays dead forever.

I had a false dream, a wish with no understanding or hope

It's gone now. I've given it up, there was tOo much unfounded, not to mention I was told to. I should learn to listen sooner. Now I think I can finally get some pain out. A fence, no matter how strong cant hold in everything at once. Night

I'm afraid

Oh my gosh, I'm so afraid. I'm in a corner sitting in the dark. There's so much. Things, simple things that people do naturally, that they run to. It's anxious, terrifying. I'm afraid of not being afraid. I'm afraid if I get over my fears that I'll be stupid and get hurt. That's happened too often, my fear's not unfounded. It's just. . . not healthy.

There are people I want to say 'I love you' to, and there are
People I don't. There are people i should say 'I love you' to and there are people I shouldn't.
My problem is that no one is who they should be.

I really want someone to read this

Sometimes. Right now I do. But, today in Seminary, we were told to write down our life struggles right now, what we're goin through that is trying. And I have no idea what's wrong with me. I couldn't write anything down because there was just too much. There is a LOT going on right now and there's a lot of struggle for the ones I love. But I also don't really mind. It's weird, but I'm actually a lot happier than I've been in a while. I also recognized that despite my attempts to ignore my problems (anxiety, mood, etc) they exist, and for reasons. But I'm also not blaming anyone anymore, it's not my fault, and its not theirs, this just happened because of the way things are. And I'm getting better on my own, as I know I couldn't with 'help'. So, that's good. And I want people to know it.