Courage to do what you know is right.

Those who find ugly meanings in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming. This is a fault.
-Oscar Wilde

What the hell do I want?

I can't think of anything to make it better

What ravages of Spirit conjures up this temptuous rage, crated you a monster broken by the bonds of live

I have the sense to recognize that I dont know how to let you go

So sad again

Nihilus et nihilus

Love is dead.

It's shell lies empty
A forsaken frame of unwanted indulgence
There is no fury in these bones
That once wept with broken marrow
That shattered under the pressure of unequivocated passion.

Love is dead
There is no home for the broke and weary
No solace for the spilt
The halls of forlonged exposure echo
With the footsteps of the damned.

There is a resurrection.

My Parents are getting a divorce

Also, I got these new headphones, they're 'Wicked Little Buds.'. They are THE bet pair I've eve had

It's too late to find another way, sweet Josephine will you follow me home

Seems like everybody's crap started in junior high, at least, that's what they say, seems like it was a rough time for a lot of people, so where was I? I was cradled, happy, protected from all that . . . business. I think instead of gOing troughs the 'normal' troubles of junior high, I was stuck with my own. . . What would I call it? Melancholy, maybe? Well, I'm grateful for that. Philosophy, my new teacher told me, in a nice way, I was looking for problems just to look for problems. He was right, I recognize I'm pretty critical, but I'm fine with that, I'm not too vocal about it unless I can prove any of my ideas. Right now, the really a struggle for me to stay this. . . normalish right now, I'm really being Pulled back into where I've been the past few days. I actually feel really bad because I kinda freaked out on my cousin lat night at Maceys. I didn't notice but my mom said she was really worried by it. When she said it I got furious again, I hate hate hate when people are afraid of me. Probably ironically I get super pissed by it. I shouldn't be feared, I'm the one afraid. I'm also worried because I've been getting closer and closer to my breaking point. Moving back to Alaska, I keep telling myself it's only one more semester of High School, but it seems like the closer it gets, the harder it is to stay. It's not that bad all the time, but I've gotten close to leaving a couple times now. . . My cousins going to East Shore now, it's an independent study school, so I just see her at home. That's okay, we figured out soon after she moved in that we need to keep our distance at times. I started hanging out with Lisa now that she's moved back, well, I've gone to her house twice, once for Kayelee's Minecraft party, so I guess we've only really hung out once since she got back. I don't want to go now, but i really should, I've just been rambling the whole time. . . Bye then

Because tonight, the night I'm burning star IV

Well, 2 posts ago was my 200th post. Sort of an accomplishment. I'm urgently obsessed with Coheed and Cambria, I got two of their albums, The Second Stage Turbine Blade, and, Good Apollo I'm Burning Star IV Volume One: From Fear Through the Eyes Of Madness. When I get my tax return next month, I'm getting their other 3 albums. . . Excited.

I wrote this whilst riding my bike

My dad asked, "why would you have problems?"
I ask my self the same things constantly, and most of the time I can't come up with any reasonable answer.  

Then i remember where I've been.  My motto recently has been don't look back, because there's only longing and hurt there.  I think that's only made things worse.  Tonight I finally went back, like, literally, I rode my bike the few miles into Orem and went to all four of the places I've lived, and i remembered a lot.  So, now, I ask why aren't I messed up, I'm honestly amazed I'm this well off, I've gone through crazy shit.

It's also strange, when I remember people don't know me either.  They haven't been to the places I have, so, there's this expectancy for me to operate like they do.  There's no placating my envy at their childhoods, but theirs no taking away mine either, so I'm at the catholic school right now, it's  8:37 when I'm writing this, I'm sitting in the parking lot of the huge school I remember always driving by as a kid.  I drove by it when I went to the Yellow House, when I went to the Anderson's, when I went to my grandmother's.  It's weird because whenever I told my mom about it she always asked what I was talking about.  I guess she never noticed it, but I'm glad, it solidifies my connection with this place.

Holy crap, I went back to the house I live in when I was 8.  That place had the least amount of problems, I think I was really happy there.  There wasn't a lot of pain, or things happening at all.   There was competition and, wait, nope I just remembered it.  Yeah, shit there too.  That one was scary.

I went to the next house now, there was a lot of happiness there, probably the most, I wanted to walk in the door and go to my room and fall asleep.  There's a lot I want to do.

Yeah, I need to do something with all this, but I just want to be here really, there are things happening, or not, idk.

All the gold, and the guns, and the girls couldn't get you off

One by one by one by one and so on. . . There is one in infinite dimensions. Doesn't seem right, doesn't it? Whatever. I am so. . . Something right now, it's probably not good, definitely not the best, but, I might be happy right now. . . Which is also weird. No, that's not right, I'm so tired and confused. . . Point in case, I. . . Uh, dunno. . . Ah, there's this new weird part in me right now that both wants and hates something else, I'm trying to figure out what it is but, its seemingly random. You guys, stay fresh, stay delicious, I'll post again when I have something half coherent to say.

This is why I don't like therapists

I just found out I do not have a bad self esteem. I just kinda thought I did, no, I'm just very, very realistic, and crazily expectant of the future. I recognize the reality of who I am and what I do, but I have insane expectations of myself and the future, I blame my parents for that but whatever, point is, since I can never live up to the expectations of myself, I think I'm terrible, well for a second, or maybe longer or whatever. But the fact that I am this well off with disappointment literally being my life is kind of amazing. So, there. Point is: I know I'm good and bad, I dont need other people tellin me, I actually get offended when they do, especially for no reason! It pisses me off! Because I know it's pity and I hate that! Ugh, if you care, then say what is really happening, anything other than the truth is a pod of shit and I'm tired of taking it from people. If you need to say you hate me, think I'm boring or a bad friend then say it, I'd rather know where I stand then listen as you shovel bullshit it my ears. Done! Alex out!

Let's start this while I feel epitomized

The boy: fierce, needing, burdened, insane. Like madness with a bane, he strides for the fight, he's a reacher, grabbing and tearing for the covetous findings of this wayward obelisk.
There is no love but for the girl.

The girl: small, slick in word and serene in post, she forces herself into your skull, with a greeting she'll take you from your home and into a world of sick fascination. There is not escape, eyes black, the resonance of which escape her mouth to find, target, convince, and destroy their opposable victims. There is no love but for the boy.

The third eye: ever-knowing and affecting. He is where it is and where the goat takes its fur. With the mouth of a shaman, the skill of a sentinel, and the skin of the deepest earth, he dashes into it all, he stops it, he starts it, and it never resides with him because he. Is. What. We. Love/Hate in our aspirations and our fantasies. There is no love but for the others.

Me: There is no love but for myself.

Last night, I couldn't fal asleep

And around 3am, I realized a lot of things, kinda like being high, but these were more realistic epiphanies. I wrote it all down on my arm in sharpie so i'd remember this morning, and then my mom saw it and asked me about it, and since she's crazy she wouldn't stop pestering me about it until I showed her, and then she just. . . I don't know, it was weird and I was tired so I don't remember much. And I think I'm mad about it, but I don't know. . . Whatever.

Current Moosik Playlist

Mercernary by Panic! at the Disco
Nine in the Afternoon covered by Vitamin String Quartet
Phantom of the Opera covered by Vitamin String Quartet
All my Life by Foo Fighters
The Diary of Jane by Breaking Benjamin
There's a Good Reason These Tables are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Figured it Out Yet covered by VST
Under My Thumb by The Rolling Stones
Take me Out by Franz Ferdinand
Heavy in Your Arms covered by Vitamin String Quartet
Set Fire to the Rain covered by Vitamin String Quartet
I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace
Telephone by Lady Gaga
Speechless by Lady Gaga
Monster by Lady Gaga
Dance in the Dark by Lady Gaga
Ring-A-Ling by Black Eyed Peas
Out of My Head by Black Eyed Peas
Boom Boom Pow (Introductory Version) by Black Eyed Peas
Crack a Bottle by Eminem
Up all Night by Drake
Fireworks by Drake
Ghosts N Stuff by DeadMau5
Helena Beat by Foster the People
Dead Man's Party by Oingo Boingo
Heavy in Your Arms by Florence + the Machine
Eclipse (All Yours) by Metric
Under the Sheets by Ellie Goulding
This Love (Will Be Your Downfall) by Ellie Goulding
Starry Eyed by Ellie Goulding
505 by Arctic Monkeys
Brianstorm by Arctic Monkeys
Balaclava by Arctic Monkeys
Like O, Like H by Tegan & Sara
Dark Come Soon by Tegan & Sara
The Con by Tegan & Sara
Call it Off by Tegan & Sara
Hell by Tegan & Sara
Don't Rush by Tegan & Sara
What I've Become by Ashlee Simpson
Boys by Ashlee Simpson
Rock Your Body by Justin Timberlake
Anxiety by Black Eyed Peas
Little Bit by Lykke Li
Hanging High by Lykke Li
Dance With the Devil by The Sounds
Feel Good Drag by Anberlin
Set Fire to the Rain by Adele
Little Bit by Lykke Li feat. Drake
Season Song  by Blue States
On the Floor by Spitalfield
Edge of Seventeen covered by Diamante
White Lies & White Lines by Polaroid Kiss
Love in Transition by Polaroid Kiss

The End. . . for now