sometimes i hate the parts i like of myself,



 i don't want to be appreciated.
i want to be alone.

So I found on this guy's blog, he posted a sermon from a pastor in Illinois, here it is:
http://www.elmhurstascension.org/media/audio

I'm used to the newest one being at the top so I listened to the first one I saw, and I really like hearing that, I've never heard a sermon from a pastor before, so it was kind of eye-opening.
The best part was I found the perfect talk given in General Conference that explains the unanswered questions in the sermon, now I already knew that, but I think it's really a great thing to read after hearing that:
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1995/04/apostasy-and-restoration?lang=eng

so, just anyone who wants, i think its a great experience.

GAIBSIIVVIFFTTEOM

TS: “Well, what do I think?”

WW: “What do you think, or what do we think?”

TS: “Is there a difference?”

WW: “There’s always a difference.  You may be me, but the fact that we’re talking means we have different intentions.”

TS: “Or, I’m just here to guide you onto the path you already want.”

WW: “Do you think I’d allow that?  I’m not of the character to be convinced.”

TS: “I don’t think you’ll have a choice, that is, as I’ve said, why I’m here.”

WW: “Well then it would seem the position I’m in is already a losing one.  But, I don’t really believe you, and you probably know that already.  I can’t really see you being here without having been prepared.”

TS: “Oh, I don’t need anything I haven’t learned here with you.  I can feel it in the way your heart beats, in every step.  You don’t want her anymore.”

WW: “I love her, and I’m not giving up so easily.”

TS: “With the way she hurt you?”

WW: “That’s not-”

TS: “Her fault?  No, it’s yours, you drove her to that and now her life is suffering.  You’ll leave her, you have to.”

WW: “That’s not the only option.”

TS: “Isn’t it?!  How much longer will you let this drag on?  You’re choices are to end it, or let them rot.”

WW: “. . . I don’t buy it, and I’m not going to force anybody to ruin their life so I can suffer less.”

TS: “Of course you will, that’s what you do, that’s who you are.”

WW: “Look, if I must, then I must.  But until then, I’m not pressing the issue.”

[Later]

“Well, are you going to do it now?”

“It’s not your decision, I still feel the same way.”

“Hmph, love, the only thing it’s done is put you in this position, I say finish it.”

“You say a lot of things, and by the way, how does that even work, given your state?”

I didn't want to come back here.  But I was looking for things, and I guess it felt right to say a few things.  I honestly believe what has happened to me here and elsewhere was to teach me something.  I still don't know what yet, I'm still stressed, I'm still scared, I'm still lonely, but I don't know what I'd be without these things.  I guess I'm coming back here tonight to find what I missed.  When I was so consumed with what I thought I wanted, I ended up missing what I may have needed.  Well, I guess that's it with the vagueness now.  I don't really know who might read this, but despite that. . . I'm flawed. . . maybe broken. . . and I like it that way. . . it's liberating, and beautiful.  And I think that's all I want right now.  Thank You.

There are things I say here because I can't say them where people will hear

Life is hard. I might fail it. Feels like there should be some kinda transition into a hopeful phrase saying how I'm gonna be alright, but that wouldn't really capture what I'm feeling. Not that I'm sad, I'm just stressed, and my natural pessimism and paranoia point my gaze to failure.

It is.

So you ever encounter those things, the person, the song, the whatever, that when you first experience it, or them, it seems like your whole life converging on that one thing. Like the thread that has held it all together, it seems Kirk it has to be, because all of yourself, your past, your present, correlates back to it. I didn't think that as really a thing either.

(~_~;)

Last night,(Saturday night), was Priesthood session of General Conference. It's a time for the men, young and old, to listen to the counsel of the prophet and learn from the Spirit. I was so lonely. I went to a random stake building by my house, I wasn't lonely because I didn't know anybody, I've never actually gone to a local stake for Priesthood sessions before. I was lonely because the one man who should have been there was not. Nothing new, same man who wasn't there for me for a lot of occasions, he had priorities and I never really made the cut, I've dealt with it fine, but for some reason it really hit me, all of it, the pain, the anger, the loss. This wasn't my regular "loneliness", which is usually a variation of boredom, but an actual longing for the fatherhood I never properly had. I'm fine now, I'm just mad at myself for not knowing I still had issues with that.