How do you break out of this cycle of selfish bastardocity? I really do epitomize the term. Notice when we talk how many times I say I Compared to how much normal people/good people say I. And que epiphany. Wow, I can't really think otherwise, even helping people is just because of the feeling of gratitude I get from others. Its like all I do is eat from them, and, I don't know how to not want to. I can stop, but only for so long before my hunger gets to me. Im not really sure how to want others to feel better if I don't feel better as well, maybe I'm not supposed to. Ugh, I can tell when these self improvements are healthy, or living up to these bizarre expectations the world seems to have for me. I always feel guilty when I don't live up to them, regardless of their kudu racy. And now. . . I'm just in this cycle and every social fiber of my being is screaming at me for fear of people believing this, if you're smart you will, because I'm not writing this for pity, or to get any reply. I'm just. . . Speaking through broken lips and forked tongue.

Hm, the last post was 100, maybe I should've acknowledged it then. . . but then I couldn't use any dalmations reference

Well, learned 'crazy' on the ukulele, I'm working on 'mad world', I felt abandoned and now I'm going to bed. . . So, all in all, it's generally the same. . . Maybe that point was reached several times, recently, the breaking point. . . They say it won't, but it does. It's who I am. Good night.

That's why.

I said that more epiphany-like. It's because I thought it was one way, and since I'd beaten that, I thought I was fine without. Then, I discovered through very unconventional ways that it was not, it was in no way. And now, I'm not sure, I want it, but, I also think I should stick to what I had at first. Im confused. And better now, I definitely triggered a depressive streak yesterday. . . it's gone.

Oh, that's what I do

Let the monsters back in. They know how to tear this into shreds.

Quicksand

"I'm the obsessor, holding your hand.
It seems you have forgotten, about your plan.
Alone in the darkness. . . And I'm in the Quicksand."

Weird when the song lyrics seem to fit, actually I did change one word, but that's because I thought I heard it the way I wrote it first, and It fit more so, it's like that now.

Does that make me crazy?

Any answer will do. As long as one exists. This is too much now.

It hurts, *sigh*, it hurts :\

I just hate, and love, and, want it to stay and want it to end. I have no idea, it hurts to feel this, and, the worst part is that it's real, well, it's not real, but, I'm feeling this for real, with reason, or maybe the feelin is amplified with whatever's up. . . I need to tell this to somebody, but, for once, I can't tell it to anybody. Anybody here, or, there, or, almost anywhere. . . I know where to go. . . I just want now, not like I did before, I kade my decisions without feeling, because I 'knew' they were right, or at least noble in some regards. But now, I want to back out of it, I, feel it now, and I hate that I do. Truth is I created it. And I killed it. And I miss it. And it's not real, but it felt real, and still partially does. Like it's still out there somewhere. Which I guess could make sense if this is some bizarre sequel to the last dream that made me feel this, maybe not the last one, but definitely the first. Maybe, it's real, and maybe I'll find out one day. The more I think of it, the more i realize that maybe it is real, it felt real afterwards last time, and, maybe I'm just seeing a part of them now, years later. Making me feel this. The way they do. I hate my dreams. And right now, it seems they hate me. Or love me. I hope it's the latter and that this is for my benefit, even if it tortures me like this. This way. In. . . Here.