I got a cat.

I'm a terrible person.  I've been pretty lonely lately, and I didn't see any way of changing that... at least, no way I wanted to commit to.  So I got a cat.  I knew from the moment I adopted him that I couldn't keep him.  He was so miserable at the shelter, he would hiss at everybody who tried picking him up.  But not me.. and I guess that's what I was looking for... I don't know what it would be called, exclusivity, perhaps?  It doesn't seem right.  I wanted him because he wanted me, I took him home, and he's so wild, he only wants attention and love.  But I can't give that to him.  And I hate myself for putting him through this.  He's been taken back to the shelter several times, and every time he has to get his vaccinations, and the volunteers treat him like any other animal, when he just wants to be loved.  And I owe him that, really.

I spent too much money on the cat.  I am broke, with $15 of gas in my car and over a week until I get paid.  Hopefully the shelter will refund me at least SOME of the adoption fees.  They were a lot, and I do need the money.  I hate myself for doing this.  I never named him... At least, never called him by his name.  It took me a long time but I finally got one I liked, one that suited him.  But I knew he was going back so I never said it.
My grandmother died this morning.  That might be putting it bluntly, but I always find it upsetting that whenever people deliver the news, they avoid the word death.  I've always said it should be said, that by avoiding it, we're really only allowing ourselves a sense of distance from the event, which can enable denial.  I didn't know it would be so hard to say.  I am glad, there was never better timing for her to die.  She had run out of funds, I went with my dad to visit all of his siblings a couple weeks ago so they could discuss how she could be supported, and the conclusion was that we had no idea how she would be.  So I'm sure she's glad she died before she became that much of a burden to her family.  I'm going to miss her.  She lived with us until I moved out of my dad's house when I was fourteen.  And I definitely didn't visit as often as I should have.  I can forgive myself for that, I wasn't that close to her in recent years so I'm not too distraught at her death.  But I wonder if I should be.

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There's never a point where you move on.  It seems there's just a general progression to wherever you intend.  I don't know if anyone's followed through this that I've gone through but I'm not sure where now I've ended up.  I once knew a person who claimed to not want to be "used" by anyone, even accused me of using this person.  I felt guilty at first, and then confused, after all, how could I not use this person?  I mean, what is "using" here?  I would think it would be to interact with said person on a such a level as to accomplish some sort of goal or complete a task with this person.  In which case I'm not entirely sure is at all avoidable.  I think the question here is more about our effect on another person rather than the act of "using".  If I think you're cute and flirt with you, without obvious sinister or harmful intention, is there wrong?  If you're effected negatively, am I still responsible?  I don't have a solid answer for this yet, I think it would depend on situation.  But if situations of "using" without consent of the parties "used" and without malicious intent of the parties "using" do arise, communication is the best option as always.  Any harm or awkwardness in situations such as these have always been caused by a lack of understanding with one or both of the parties.  Communication, in this situation, can require a bit of courage, I can't deny that.  But then, without the proper attempts at reconciliation, can anyone be held to blame but the person who refuses to communicate?  I don't discuss these things to levy out blame on anyone.  I just want to discover what I need to change in myself, I can't stand the guilt I have over everything, and it seems like every time I overcome something, I find something else wrong.  Change is hard, giving up things is hard.  And I don't know if I can do it, but I know I have to try, for more than myself.  For less than myself really. -_-