The Test.

It's a glass bottle.
A hollow jewel,
a treasonous secret
to have loved and
then "loved".

I watched the blood drain out his heart and in it's absence I took another.

"It's alright."  I lie to myself.

Playing with love is like jumping rope without knees.

Every time
              I get up
                     I'm doomed
                                                                                                                                               to
                                                                                                                                                 fail.

And just as I think I've learned my lesson,
 a shiny new toy catches my gaze.
















Breathe.















Take in the Armagnac of their body.
                                                                                                       



                                                                                                         Absorb the champagne of their soul.






           Let fate take the reigns and crash through your home to theirs.





                                                                                        Then let the game begin.









"You don't truly want them do you?"



















                                                         




                                                        "You want them to want you."

I got a cat.

I'm a terrible person.  I've been pretty lonely lately, and I didn't see any way of changing that... at least, no way I wanted to commit to.  So I got a cat.  I knew from the moment I adopted him that I couldn't keep him.  He was so miserable at the shelter, he would hiss at everybody who tried picking him up.  But not me.. and I guess that's what I was looking for... I don't know what it would be called, exclusivity, perhaps?  It doesn't seem right.  I wanted him because he wanted me, I took him home, and he's so wild, he only wants attention and love.  But I can't give that to him.  And I hate myself for putting him through this.  He's been taken back to the shelter several times, and every time he has to get his vaccinations, and the volunteers treat him like any other animal, when he just wants to be loved.  And I owe him that, really.

I spent too much money on the cat.  I am broke, with $15 of gas in my car and over a week until I get paid.  Hopefully the shelter will refund me at least SOME of the adoption fees.  They were a lot, and I do need the money.  I hate myself for doing this.  I never named him... At least, never called him by his name.  It took me a long time but I finally got one I liked, one that suited him.  But I knew he was going back so I never said it.
My grandmother died this morning.  That might be putting it bluntly, but I always find it upsetting that whenever people deliver the news, they avoid the word death.  I've always said it should be said, that by avoiding it, we're really only allowing ourselves a sense of distance from the event, which can enable denial.  I didn't know it would be so hard to say.  I am glad, there was never better timing for her to die.  She had run out of funds, I went with my dad to visit all of his siblings a couple weeks ago so they could discuss how she could be supported, and the conclusion was that we had no idea how she would be.  So I'm sure she's glad she died before she became that much of a burden to her family.  I'm going to miss her.  She lived with us until I moved out of my dad's house when I was fourteen.  And I definitely didn't visit as often as I should have.  I can forgive myself for that, I wasn't that close to her in recent years so I'm not too distraught at her death.  But I wonder if I should be.

Post Title

There's never a point where you move on.  It seems there's just a general progression to wherever you intend.  I don't know if anyone's followed through this that I've gone through but I'm not sure where now I've ended up.  I once knew a person who claimed to not want to be "used" by anyone, even accused me of using this person.  I felt guilty at first, and then confused, after all, how could I not use this person?  I mean, what is "using" here?  I would think it would be to interact with said person on a such a level as to accomplish some sort of goal or complete a task with this person.  In which case I'm not entirely sure is at all avoidable.  I think the question here is more about our effect on another person rather than the act of "using".  If I think you're cute and flirt with you, without obvious sinister or harmful intention, is there wrong?  If you're effected negatively, am I still responsible?  I don't have a solid answer for this yet, I think it would depend on situation.  But if situations of "using" without consent of the parties "used" and without malicious intent of the parties "using" do arise, communication is the best option as always.  Any harm or awkwardness in situations such as these have always been caused by a lack of understanding with one or both of the parties.  Communication, in this situation, can require a bit of courage, I can't deny that.  But then, without the proper attempts at reconciliation, can anyone be held to blame but the person who refuses to communicate?  I don't discuss these things to levy out blame on anyone.  I just want to discover what I need to change in myself, I can't stand the guilt I have over everything, and it seems like every time I overcome something, I find something else wrong.  Change is hard, giving up things is hard.  And I don't know if I can do it, but I know I have to try, for more than myself.  For less than myself really. -_-

sometimes i hate the parts i like of myself,



 i don't want to be appreciated.
i want to be alone.

So I found on this guy's blog, he posted a sermon from a pastor in Illinois, here it is:
http://www.elmhurstascension.org/media/audio

I'm used to the newest one being at the top so I listened to the first one I saw, and I really like hearing that, I've never heard a sermon from a pastor before, so it was kind of eye-opening.
The best part was I found the perfect talk given in General Conference that explains the unanswered questions in the sermon, now I already knew that, but I think it's really a great thing to read after hearing that:
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1995/04/apostasy-and-restoration?lang=eng

so, just anyone who wants, i think its a great experience.

GAIBSIIVVIFFTTEOM

TS: “Well, what do I think?”

WW: “What do you think, or what do we think?”

TS: “Is there a difference?”

WW: “There’s always a difference.  You may be me, but the fact that we’re talking means we have different intentions.”

TS: “Or, I’m just here to guide you onto the path you already want.”

WW: “Do you think I’d allow that?  I’m not of the character to be convinced.”

TS: “I don’t think you’ll have a choice, that is, as I’ve said, why I’m here.”

WW: “Well then it would seem the position I’m in is already a losing one.  But, I don’t really believe you, and you probably know that already.  I can’t really see you being here without having been prepared.”

TS: “Oh, I don’t need anything I haven’t learned here with you.  I can feel it in the way your heart beats, in every step.  You don’t want her anymore.”

WW: “I love her, and I’m not giving up so easily.”

TS: “With the way she hurt you?”

WW: “That’s not-”

TS: “Her fault?  No, it’s yours, you drove her to that and now her life is suffering.  You’ll leave her, you have to.”

WW: “That’s not the only option.”

TS: “Isn’t it?!  How much longer will you let this drag on?  You’re choices are to end it, or let them rot.”

WW: “. . . I don’t buy it, and I’m not going to force anybody to ruin their life so I can suffer less.”

TS: “Of course you will, that’s what you do, that’s who you are.”

WW: “Look, if I must, then I must.  But until then, I’m not pressing the issue.”

[Later]

“Well, are you going to do it now?”

“It’s not your decision, I still feel the same way.”

“Hmph, love, the only thing it’s done is put you in this position, I say finish it.”

“You say a lot of things, and by the way, how does that even work, given your state?”

I didn't want to come back here.  But I was looking for things, and I guess it felt right to say a few things.  I honestly believe what has happened to me here and elsewhere was to teach me something.  I still don't know what yet, I'm still stressed, I'm still scared, I'm still lonely, but I don't know what I'd be without these things.  I guess I'm coming back here tonight to find what I missed.  When I was so consumed with what I thought I wanted, I ended up missing what I may have needed.  Well, I guess that's it with the vagueness now.  I don't really know who might read this, but despite that. . . I'm flawed. . . maybe broken. . . and I like it that way. . . it's liberating, and beautiful.  And I think that's all I want right now.  Thank You.